Chapter 20
by Aimless
‘Tragic visions slowly stole my life
Tore away everything
Cheating me out of my time
I'm the one who loves you
No matter wrong or right
And every day I hold you
I hold you with my inner child
I need serenity
In a place where I can hide
I need serenity
Nothing changes, days go by
Where do we go when we just don't know
And how do we relight the flame when it's cold
Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing
And when will we learn to control
I need serenity.’
I really hated the heavy limbed confusion that pain killers left behind. Though at the moment the annoying side effects could be ignored for the good they were doing. I just wanted to lie here in a daze. Forget about my fucked up life.
I was tired.
Tired of dealing with all the pitying looks, the hushed conversations. The carefully worded reminders to take my medications. To stay in bed and not wander off. Like I was a five year old that needed constant supervision. I’m amazed that they didn’t strap me down to the bed.
Four days I’ve been cooped up in this room. I’d think I was going mad from boredom if I was not already nuts. Michel came to visit me as often as school and his duties at the shop let him. Yuki avoided me like the plague. Free would sit and calmly read pretending as if his very presence would keep me content.
Chloe…well Chloe was here every day. He would bring me magazines and my favorite snacks. He would dole out affection as if it was a duty and not something he spontaneously decided. I was treated like spun glass and it pissed me off. My body still eagerly responded to his kisses and caresses. While my mind wandered elsewhere.
My mind just wouldn’t shut down. I constantly examined what happened. Why I reacted the way I did, what caused my melt down all together. I’d never really dealt with all the shit my life had thrown at me. I’d just buried it deep. Just waiting for a catalyst to set it all free. And it had…in spades.
Conspicuous by his absence was Aya. I guess he was finally sick of the sight of me.
I hated the night the most. After visiting hours when things went quiet and I was left to my own devices. It would be so easy to just slip away and lose myself. To walk out and never look back. What use was I anymore?
Out of desperation I turned the TV on to break the silence. Idly I flicked from channel to channel not really caring what was shown. I didn’t want to sleep for it brought dreams that were glaringly out of proportion. My faults and traumas magnified. Yet waking brought no peace either. Events ran together until I couldn’t tell what was real any more or images conjured from my disturbed mind. I had nothing to ground me. Nothing cohesive to help me hold it all together.
I began to think Yohji had been right.
To have it all wiped away.
To be made whole.
Guiltless and free…was it worth the price? My salvation?
I must have dozed off because an odd noise woke me. I stiffened in alarm when I realized I wasn’t alone in the room. Careful not to move too much I cautiously opened my eyes. It took them a moment to adjust to the dim light.
I saw a person sitting next to my bed. A red headed person. They were slumped over onto the mattress near me and I became aware of a hand grasping mine.
Aya
Even in sleep I could feel the tension in his hand as it held on tightly. I gave in to the urge to stroke the loosely braided hair. Even though the movement pulled my stitches I needed to touch him. The feeling of fingers in Aya’s hair must have startled him because he lifted his head and sleepy violet eyes blinked at me.
“Hi.” I could not think of anything else to say.
“I’m sorry did I wake you?” Aya’s sleep roughened voice sounded worn out. Even in the shadows of the room I could make out the dark circles under his eyes.
“Can’t sleep much in this place.” I said quietly. I didn’t want anyone coming in and chasing Aya away.
“I…I wanted to come sooner but they wouldn’t let me. I missed you Ken.” Aya brought my hand to his mouth and his lips lightly grazed my knuckles.
I felt so awkward around him. I didn’t know what to say. What he was expecting me to say. So I just told him the truth.
“I want to go home.” I whispered.
“I know. I talked to Chloe and the doctors say you can be released tomorrow if your check-up comes out ok.” Aya brushed the hair off my forehead and trailed his fingers down the side of my face.
“I’m sorry.” Another inadequate statement but a true one.
Aya laid his finger across my lips.
“Shhhh…lets not get into that now. I just want to be here with you. Is that all right?” He searched my face I guess he was waiting for me to tell him no.
“I’d like that.” I swallowed thickly. I could feel tears gathering in my eyes. This was an almost perfect moment in my fucked up world and I was so afraid of ruining it.
Aya brushed at the tears on my lashes with a trembling hand. His eyes intent on mine.
“Don’t leave me. Even if I fall asleep.” I was still tired and fighting it. The pill they’d given me earlier made me drowsy. But drifting off alone held no appeal. There was no solace to be had in my dreams anymore.
“I’ll stay. For as long as they let me.” Aya got up and carefully sat on the edge of the bed.
I shifted over as far as I could and Aya lay down next to me. It was a tight squeeze and he had to be careful not to disturb any thing they still had me hooked up to. I lost track of the things I was shot full of or what was in the IV bags. There was always the risk of Pneumonia and infection. Been there done that…don’t ever want to go through it again.
It surprised me that Aya was being…well clingy. He’d changed over the years but still gave off this vaguely unapproachable aura. Aya slid his one arm under my shoulders and I turned slightly towards him. Aya lay on my unwounded side and as I placed my head on his chest his heartbeat was incredibly soothing.
I closed my eyes as Aya’s fingers sifted through my hair. I felt a kiss brush my temple as I heard him whisper for me to sleep. Any nurses coming in would probably have a fit when they saw us. But I didn’t care. With Aya now guarding my dreams I finally felt as if I could get some rest.
Tomorrow would come all too soon. With it all the problems and worry that plagued my life.
But for right now I didn’t care. I was content in his arms and I found some small amount of peace at last.
~*~
The sharp crack of a gun and Aya was falling to the pitted concrete floor. Blood blossomed bright on his chest as his hands clenched the wound; trying to stem the flow that soaked his coat.
I yelled in horror and tried to reach his side.
Grasping hands held me back as I struggled and screamed. I couldn’t get loose. I couldn’t stop Aya’s once vivid amethyst eyes from going cloudy and dim.
I couldn’t breathe…
“Ken…Shhh…its ok. Please wake up. Ken you’ve got to calm down.” I heard a voice pleading.
I tried to sit up. I tried to struggle out of the arms that held me pinned.
My eyes snapped open and I blinked into the muted light. I gasped and tried to get a full breath past the knot of agony in my chest.
Fuck another nightmare. Only Aya died in this one. It was worse than the others I’d had so far. My heart raced and I felt sick. I glanced wildly around and focused on Chloe’s concerned face as he leaned over me on the bed.
“Aya where’s Aya!” He was no longer with me in the bed.
“Aya? He was here?” Chloe frowned as he tried to get me to lie still.
“Yeah he came in last night…stayed with me.” I coughed and it hurt like a bitch.
“Are you sure? Maybe it was part of your dream.” Chloe let go of my arms as I collapsed back on the bed.
“I…I think he was here. We talked and Aya just wanted to be with me for a while. He said he’d stay…damn it he promised.” Was Aya really in my room last night? Or was it part of my confused imagination?
I turned my head to look at where he’d lain last night. I squinted and noticed a long red hair caught on the edge of the sheet. I breathed a sigh of relief to see some evidence of his visit. I plucked the vivid strand and held it out to Chloe.
“I guess he was here last night. Not that I’d know.” Chloe said with a shake of his head.
“What do you mean?” I rasped. My throat raw from the coughing.
Chloe grabbed a glass of water off the bedside table and offered me a drink. I held the straw between my lips and sipped gratefully. He took the empty cup away when I was finished and grabbed my hand in his.
It was then I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the air of fatigue he carried. I hadn’t really taken the time to look at him closely lately. This was taking a heavy toll on all of us. My illness was driving us apart.
“Aya rarely spends any time at all with me. He’s always up at the castle. Always looking for information…checking mission reports. I barely…oh hell.” Chloe trailed off and pressed his lips together as he rubbed his forehead.
“Wait a minute. What mission? What’s going on Chloe.” I recognized that look on Chloe’s face. It meant he’d let something slip.
“Damn I swore I wouldn’t tell.” Chloe bit his lip and would not meet my eyes.
I grabbed the remote for the bed and placed it as far upright as it would go. Lying flat on my back was making me feel ridiculously inferior. Despite the ache it caused I grabbed Chloe’s sleeves and yanked him closer until his face was inches from mine. He could not avoid my gaze. He couldn’t pull away either…not if he didn’t want to hurt me.
“Tell me Chloe. Please. Where is Aya?” I had a very bad feeling about this.
“Fine. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep this from you. I hate secrets. You know how stubborn Aya is. He’s impossible to deal with especially since…” Chloe hesitated again and I wanted to strangle him.
“Rutledge got away ok? Aya is looking for him. I tried to stop him but he’s not listening to anybody. I can’t believe KR would let him go off half cocked like that.” Chloe sighed.
I scrambled to remember that name. It was familiar…who? Oh crap…that guy. The man who had been our initial target right before everything had gone to hell. Now Aya was hunting the man he thought was responsible for this whole mess…and he was doing it alone.
Fuck!
This was the Aya I hoped would not resurface. The man driven by revenge. The fact that he was out there on my account caused a huge weight of guilt to settle on my shoulders. Aya ought to be mad at me. Not at the man who’d been the focus of our mission.
“How could you let him do that? What if he gets caught or killed? KR is sanctioning this?” I spat angrily.
“How was I supposed to stop him? Chain him to the bed? You should know better than anyone what Aya is like when he gets obsessed with something. I’m going crazy trying to manage you both. KR had little choice either. Aya would have gone with or without his permission. This way KR keeps a little of the control.” Chloe’s voice rose along with his frustration level.
“Shit! Maybe you should have chained him up. You didn’t know him back then…what he was like. What a temper Aya had. Calm people do not fling katanas at helicopters.” I really hoped Aya would not lose control that badly.
“What? He did that?” Chloe’s disbelieving expression prompted me to tell him the whole story.
After I finished Chloe still looked at me like he thought I’d made the whole thing up. A horrible thought crossed my mind.
“Aya went after Rutledge today didn’t he?” That was the reason for Aya’s surprise visit last night. Holy hell it felt too much like goodbye.
“Yuki finally located the bastard. Rutledge used one of his credit cards and Yuki was able to trace him to a Hotel in London. Rutledge also purchased some plane tickets for Barcelona. He was leaving at midnight. Free wanted to go with him to the hotel but Aya refused. I wanted to go with him too. Aya said it would look less suspicious if he went in alone.” Chloe slumped in the chair next to the bed after I let him go.
“I want out of here now. Check me out of this place. I’m leaving no matter what.” I started picking at the tape that held my IV in place.
“But you can’t Ken. What about the doctor?” Chloe tried to stop me as I grasped the IV tube. I batted his hands away.
“Now Chloe. Fuck the doctors and fuck this hospital.” I removed the IV with a yank that made Chloe wince.
Then I threw back the covers and levered myself to my feet. Shakily I stood as my lover hovered over me as if expecting me to fall.
“All right. Wait here and I’ll go and get someone.” Chloe sighed as he placed a short kiss on my lips.
He took one last look at me as I leaned against the bed before he went to find someone to get me the hell out of here.
I had no clue what I was going to do. All I knew was that I couldn’t sit here while Aya was out there hell bent on revenge on my behalf. I grabbed a wad of tissues and pressed them to the bleeding needle mark on my hand. Hissing at the sharp sting it helped me to ignore the various other deep aches and pains. Impatiently I made my way to the small cabinet and looked inside. My shoes and jacket lay inside but no other clothes were present. I’d walk out of here naked if I had to. I was not staying in this place another night.
I prayed Aya would be all right as Chloe returned with a frowning doctor in tow.
~*~
Before the Doctor could even open his mouth I got right in his face.
“I want to leave now. Sign me out.” I did my best to stand up straight. I didn’t want to give them any reason to keep me here.
“Mr. Hidaka surely you realize that a wound of this nature requires careful tending. There could be infection or you could develop pneumonia. I can’t with any clear conscience release you for at least another two days. Your persistent cough has me concerned.” The doctor took a step back when I snarled.
Chloe put his hands on my shoulders and got between us.
“Ken this isn’t helping.” Chloe hissed from between clenched teeth.
“I don’t care. Get me some fucking clothes. I’m leaving in five minutes with or without you.” The need to leave, to find out if Aya was ok was overwhelming. I didn’t trust them not to keep information from me.
“Fine but if you collapse I am not picking your ass up off the floor.” Chloe stomped out of the room. Right before he got to the door he turned and added. “Play nice with the doctor Ken. He has to be the one to sign you out. If you punch him you’ll end up in the lockdown ward. Then I’ll at least know where you are.”
“Fine! All right! Just get me some clothes.” I Leaned against the wardrobe and glanced at the doctor apprehensively.
“Now Mr. Hidaka I need to check the wound. If you would not mind sitting down I can take a quick peek. I’ll need to listen to your chest as well. Are you going to cooperate or do I have to call a nurse?” The Doctor’s voice shook a little. I had him rattled. Any false move from me and he’d call Attila the Nurse. The only place I wanted to meet him again was in my nightmares.
I nodded and sat gingerly on the bed.
He untied my hated hospital gown and noted the pained hiss as I removed my arm from the sleeve. I stoically endured the poking, prodding and questions. Until barely satisfied the doctor removed the stethoscope from his ears.
“You appear to be mending well. There is some wheezing from the affected lung but that should clear with the antibiotics I’m going to prescribe. You will take them all and have some one change the dressing on your wounds twice a day. I’ll also give you an ointment to rub onto stitches. There is really nothing I can do to keep you here. If you show any sign of a fever or if that cough worsens come back immediately or get your own doctor to see you. Now get out of my hospital.” The doctor gathered his supplies and left the room muttering about no more favors for Richard Krypton.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Then let out the cough I’d been holding in. It wasn’t too bad. Nothing like the wrenching, fluid wracked hacking I’d done last time I’d had my lung punctured. Still weak though I sagged onto the bed and waited for Chloe to return.
I had to know what was going on with Aya. If he got hurt because of me I’d never forgive myself. I cursed the weakness that kept me clinging to the bed. Despite that I felt a burning need to be there. I was also surprised Chloe was here with me instead of at Aya’s side. Or at least providing back-up. That made me slightly angry. He should be helping Aya not mother henning me.
I was tired and leaned against the headboard half asleep when I hear the door open. Chloe came into the room and I opened my eyes. He carried a plastic bag with the hospital gift shop logo.
“This was the best I could get.” Chloe remarked unapologetically as he placed the clothes on the bed. It was a sweat suit in an eye searing shade of purple.
I glared at the offending garments. I half suspected Chloe picked them out on purpose. He stood there looking at me and I could not meet his eyes. I scooted to the edge of the bed and stripped out of the hospital gown. I threw it on the floor glad to be rid of it.
I couldn’t stop the groan of pain as I raised my arm to pull the sweatshirt over my head. I jumped when I felt hands lifting the shirt and dragging it over my head.
Chloe…I guess he decided to help me get dressed. I felt a surge of annoyance until I heard his soft voice.
“Let me help Ken. Please?”
How could I refuse? Chloe was being so accommodating. Even though he had no cause to be. I let him get the shirt settled and then he knelt at my feet and pulled the sweat pants up my legs so I wouldn’t have to bend over.
Chloe’s hand smoothed my hair and really felt awful for snapping earlier. “You doing ok?”
Was I? Everything hurt but that was secondary to me getting the hell out of here. I’d had enough of this place. I needed to know Aya was all right.
“Yeah…let’s just go ok?” I managed to get to my feet and slid into a pair of cheap slippers. I frowned at the waiting wheelchair.
Chloe noticed and was quick to reply. “You have to Ken its hospital policy. They might not let you go if you start bitching.” The edge was back in his voice.
“Fine, fine I’ll do it.” I huffed and plopped down in the uncomfortable seat. Determined not to make a sound when my injuries protested the abrupt movement.
I caught Chloe shaking his head and heard the exasperated sigh. Nevertheless he took the handles and wheeled me out into the hallway. The ride down to the parking garage seemed to take forever. I breathed a sigh of relief when we exited the elevator and there was Chloe’s car parked in the first spot.
I couldn’t get out of that chair fast enough. I waited while Chloe placed the paper bag with my stuff from the hospital room in the trunk. Leaning against the car I tapped window impatiently. I wondered where Aya was. What he was doing and that I wasn’t there to back him up. Though I had no right to be…He’d probably never trust me to watch his back ever again. I had to prove I could.
“Ken…KEN!” I started at the loud voice.
“WHAT!?” I yelled surprised that I’d been caught with my mind wandering.
“The door’s unlocked. You can get in. Unless you need some help.” Chloe looked at me over the roof of the Jag. Assessing my condition no doubt.
“I’m fine.” I muttered and opened the door. I dropped into the custom leather seat then reached over to grab the door handle and cursed. A muscle spasm radiated out from my shoulder and my hand cradled the wound.
“You’re not fine. You should have stayed in the hospital.” Despite Chloe’s worried tone I snapped back at him.
“I am not going back in there! Just shut the fucking door and take me home.” I barely managed to get the seat belt fastened and then sat hunched over in the seat. I hated this! I hated feeling so damned helpless.
Chloe shut my door and got back in the car. He buckled his seat belt and started the engine. He gunned the motor and took off. For him to treat his baby so callously he had to be pissed. I cursed again as the car nearly bottomed out when we got to the street level. The jolt sent another wave of pain through my shoulder.
Damn it couldn’t he see that I needed to get out of there? Did he have to be so difficult?
The ride home was full of uncomfortable silence. We made one stop at a pharmacy to get my prescriptions filled. I sat in the car while Chloe went inside. I tried calling the shop with Chloe’s cell phone. There was no answer and that nearly panicked me. It seemed like forever before my blond lover returned to the car.
“Where is everyone? Why aren’t they answering?” I accused as I tossed the phone back into the center console.
Chloe dropped a small paper bag in my lap and sighed. “Yuki is in class, Free and Michel are providing back up for Aya. They are waiting for him to signal the job is done and they’ll make sure he has a clear way out. Anything else? Or can we go? I really want to get you home before I say something I’ll regret.”
The rest of the ride back was filled with more silence. I really couldn’t think of anything else to say. Chloe stared out the windshield and concentrated on the road ahead. The early evening traffic was heavy and by the set of his jaw I knew he was pissed.
I wanted to continue the fight. I wanted to yell, scream and hit something. I had all this anger inside and no where for it to go. It was goading me to do something…to do anything.
So I just sat and clenched my fists over and over in my lap.
The quiet became intolerable and I drummed my fingers on the arm rest. I was aware that the noise was getting on Chloe’s nerves. I didn’t care. The car slowed and I looked out the window. We were home at last. Chloe hit the button on the dash to open the garage doors and I was opening my door almost before he pulled the Jag to a complete stop.
Not waiting for Chloe I levered myself out of the car ignoring the burning ache in my chest. I went into the house and made my way to the stairs. Leaning heavily on the banister I took the steps as quickly as I was able.
Despite being light headed and out of breath I didn’t stop until I made it all the way to my room. I could hear Chloe following behind me but didn’t acknowledge his presence. I held onto my shoulder hoping to ease the fierce ache as I started to dig through the wardrobe for some clothes.
Chloe’s hand on one of the drawers stopped my digging.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing Ken?” Chloe’s other hand gripped my wrist.
“I’m going to get dressed and find Aya. Where is the mission going down Chloe?” I shrugged off his hand and grabbed a pair of jeans and a grey thermal t-shirt.
“No you’re not. KR has you off active status remember?” Chloe’s tone sounded forced and I knew he was gritting his teeth.
“I don’t care. Now tell me where the fuck it’s going down Chloe.” I threw the clothes on the bed and glanced around the room looking for my boots.
“The only place you are going is straight to bed. You forget I’m mission leader here and you will follow my orders.” Chloe stepped in front of me. His brows were drawn down in a frown and his eyes practically sparked with anger.
“Fuck you! If you won’t tell me I’ll get the information from the mission room. Now where the hell are my claws?” I tried to get past him but Chloe just stayed blocking my way.
“No! You’re not going! You’re not going to barge in and screw everything up. You’re not going to get Aya…” Chloe yelled then hesitated.
“Not going to get Aya what? Get him killed this time? Fuck up the mission? Screw every damn thing up I touch?!” I was shrieking. Pushing Chloe back with each angry word I flung in his face.
He’d had enough. Before I could even take another step Chloe grabbed me roughly and slammed me hard against the wall beside the door.
“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!” Chloe screamed back.
Then the pain hit.
Like a jackhammer it dropped me to my knees. Agonizing and hot. Waves radiated out from the bullet’s exit wound across my chest and down my arm. I couldn’t catch my breath. I wheezed, choked and then started to cough. I wrapped my arms around my torso in an attempt to hold off the fit.
Chloe sank to his knees and gathered me in his arms. “Oh god, oh fuck…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Baby please just try and breathe.
His hands gently rubbed circles on my back avoiding the bandaged area. I lay there unable to force but a little air in each time I hacked. Spots danced before my eyes and my vision went white. I honestly thought I was going to pass out.
With one last dizzying cough I was able to get some much needed air. Pain still thrummed through me in time with my pulse and I lay totally limp against Chloe as he anxiously petted my hair. His pleading and whispered endearments made me realize that he had been trying to stop me for my own good.
I’d been the one to push and push until Chloe finally snapped.
I felt a kiss brush my temple as his repeated apologies sunk in. It was not his fault. Chloe was only trying to help and I’d acted like an utter shit. This weakness scared me...I was too drained to move.
“Chloe…” I rasped. “Mmm…sorry. My fault I acted like an ass.” I looked up into his tear streaked face and felt like crying too. This was so fucked up. I was so messed up and I didn’t know what to do.
I wanted this all to go away. I wanted Aya. I wanted both of them to hold me and tell me it was all going to get better.
Even if it was a lie.