Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 19
The winter here is cold, and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone,
I haven’t seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home.
I feel just like I’m sinking,
And I claw for solid ground,
I’m pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I can feel so low,
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.
If all the of the strength and all of the courage,
Come and lift me from this place,
I know I can love you much better than this,
Full of grace,
Full of grace,
My love.
It's better this way, I say,
Having seen this place before,
Where everything we say and do,
Hurts us all the more.
It’s just that we stayed, too long,
In the same old sickly skin,
I’m pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength and all of the courage,
Come and lift me from this place,
I know I can love you much better than this,
Full of grace.
I know I can love you much better than this,
It’s better this way.
Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hard to believe Aya was apparently taking out his frustrations on a helpless dinner cart. I guess my rejection drove him to lash out. I made a horrible mistake hesitating to hold my hand out to him. Chloe willingly came to my arms. Aya needed more reassurance than that. I’m such a fucking idiot for making him think he was less than Chloe.
Outwardly Chloe seemed the neediest of all the attention. True he did bask in adoration. But it was Aya who actually craved reassurance and affection. Starved of it for years because he closed himself off the aloof ice prince was quite adept at hiding his feelings. I should have remembered this. Yes the years made it easier for my redhead to open up and accept the attention of others. In times of stress though he retreated back into that impenetrable shell. The fact that he lashed out in frustration told me exactly how close to the edge I’d driven him.
What truly did I have to offer them? Saddle my lovers with a dangerously insane assassin with a drinking problem? Might as well break out the straight jacket now and call me Farfarello. I shuddered when I thought about the man. About the fanatical gleam he always held in his eerie yellow eye. In our fights I seemed to be a favorite target. I wondered if he sensed the kindred spirit of a berserker lurking just below the surface.
The noise in the hallway seemed to have stopped. I wondered what had happened. I guessed that Chloe managed to get Aya calmed down enough. Either that or he’d been thrown out. As much as I wanted to stay awake and try to fix things I could feel the numbness working its way through my system. Morphine…the only good thing about being here.
I blinked sleepily as a tousled blond head poked around the edge of the doorway. Michel was here to gawk at the crazy guy.
“You might as well come in. I can see you. I’m not that far gone.” I murmured tiredly.
“K...Ken?” His uncharacteristically timid voice got my attention.
I sighed.
“Afraid of me now? Is that it? You ought to be.” I turned my face away from the doorway and closed my eyes.
“You…you ripped that guy apart. It was as if you were a totally different person. Free…he could barely get you off what was left. Then you swung at him. Turned and slashed. He blocked but it took thirty three stitches to close the wounds.” Michel’s voice was shaky and barely above a whisper. I risked a glance at him. Tears stained his cheeks and his huge blue eyes swum with them.
“So? What makes me so different from Free? Not too long ago he tried to kill us all.” Getting defensive was not the brightest of ideas but I could not help myself.
“But…but that was different. He was out of his head on the drugs they’d given him. He didn’t know who you all were. He didn’t mean to hurt any of you.” Michel was keeping his distance. As if I’d spring up and attack him too.
“You think I did? That I meant to hurt Free? Damn it Michel I didn’t know what I was doing either! Aya got shot and I lost it!” Despite the drugs I had the energy to glare at the small blond.
“Y…you came after me too. After you slashed Free he lost his grip on you. Ken if I hadn’t been yanked backward by Chloe your strike would have been a lot more serious than a slash to the arm. You need help. I tried to stay away like you wanted. But you aren’t getting any better. I’m scared.” Michel’s ragged breathing filled the room.
Fuck! I’d gone after him too? Oh god…It’s a wonder Free didn’t kill me. It’s a wonder they all didn’t just let me bleed out on the warehouse floor.
“Scared? Yeah I thought so. You were right to stay away! Who knows when I might snap again! Just go away.” I felt devastated by this bit of news. Now my own team truly could not trust me at all. What the hell do I do now?
“Ken you fucking idiot!” Michel yelled. Angrily wiping the back of his hand across his wet cheeks.
That got my attention. Michel rarely used language like that.
“I’m scared of losing you! You’re part of the only family I have left! I want to help but I don’t know how! I can’t watch you hurt yourself like this. I love you too much!” Michel was crying in earnest now. He stumbled to the end of my bed and collapsed.
He draped himself across my legs almost out of reach. His muffled sobs tore through me. I’d expected him to shy away from the loony I’d become. To be mad that I’d hurt his precious Free. I was stunned. This was similar to the scene in the gym before the mission. Michel reached out to me and I’d pushed him away. Maybe this time I could make amends for that.
Tentatively I placed my hand on top his head. I lightly stroked the golden curls. He lifted his head to look at me. His face a picture of abject misery. Michel had already lost one family in his short lifetime. To lose another would be doubly devastating.
“I’m sorry is all I seem to say anymore. But it’s all I have left. You really shouldn’t be here but I’m glad you are. I don’t see how you could ever forgive me but…thank you.” I continued to try and offer any comfort I had left to the young man clinging to my legs. His muffled sniffling ripping the hole wider in my heart.
How could I have done this to them? How could I have let things spiral so far out of control? When all was said and done there was no one to blame but myself. The question was what happened next? The small sound of a throat clearing got my attention.
Yuki stood near the bed looking awkward and uncomfortable. He would not meet my eyes.
“Michel we have to go. Mihirogi is here to talk to Ken.” Yuki reached over to place his arm around the blond’s shoulders as he sat up. He handed Michel a handful of tissues.
“Already? I don’t want to leave yet.” Michel protested.
I felt grateful that he wanted to stay. But it was time to face the consequences of my actions.
“Yuki…I…”
“I don’t want to hear it. You might have everyone else falling all over each other to forgive you but not me. You hurt Aya. I’ve never seen him like this. If you can’t get yourself together then maybe you should leave.” The sullen teen gave me such a look of utter disgust. Then he steered a still protesting Michel out of the room.
I’d now seen everyone on my team but Free. I dreaded that encounter.
The door opened yet again and there stood the woman who recruited me. She struck more fear in me than Birman and Manx combined. Business suited to within an inch of her life, glasses perched primly on her nose. She was saved from looking matronly by the fact that her skirt was slit up one side almost to her hip. Lace stockings covered her legs and her impossibly high heels clicked on the linoleum floor as she approached the bed. She brushed one stray lock of hair that escaped the bun on her head with a perfectly manicured hand. Mihirogi sat on one of the chairs beside the bed with a manila folder in her hand.
She cleared her throat and looked at me expectantly. My mouth went dry and I looked longingly at the cup of water on the table next to the bed.
The silence stretched between us. She was waiting for me to say something. Stubbornly I refused. All I wanted to do was sleep.
“Do you know what this is?” She peered at me over the top of her pince nez’s.
“I don’t know but I bet you’re going to tell me?”
Ok so being here was making me cranky. I doubt if I could take one more emotional outburst. Not that the ice queen here would unthaw enough to have one.
“Well the mission report that I have here in my hand is suspiciously light on details. Perhaps you’d like to explain?” Mihirogi sniffed as she thumbed through the folder.
“I don’t understand? We got the bad guys. We got the canisters and the money.” Chloe and Aya didn’t tell KR about the disastrous mission that nearly got him killed. Why? I figured at least Free would have spilled the beans.
“You almost died. Aya has a concussion and severe contusions where his vest stopped a bullet. Free ended up with a curiously slashed arm as well. What happened?” She just sat and stared. I felt like a bug under a microscope.
“You want to know what happened? Fine I’ll tell you!”
What spilled from my lips was a brutal account of what could've been my last mission. I didn't spare myself in the least. I'm sure my voice was laced with self loathing and disgust. When I finshed and lay back even more exhausted the only noises in the room were the beeps and hums of all the equipment I was hooked up to.
"I…I don't quite know what to say Ken." Amazing I appear to have cracked her composure.
"Heh…at least you won't have me killed. Although I wouldn't blame you." I closed my eyes and waited for the axe to fall.
"You of course are taken off active duty for the foreseeable future. Your weapons will be confiscated and after I consult with KR then we'll decide what to do. I need to talk to Chloe and Aya. It appears they've been keeping some very important information from me. You are not to leave this room under any circumstances. Is that understood?" I heard the chair scrape across the floor and the sound of Mihirogi's heels on the linoleum.
"Yeah whatever. Not like it's going to change anything." Now more than ever I felt the pull of the drugs and happily I succumbed. I never heard her leave.
Time passes strangely when you're drugged to the gills. The room was dark when I awoke. I had not idea what time of even what day it was. The blinds were drawn and the room silent. The private wing of the hospital I was on even added to the isolation. I could hear no outside noises and it made the room seem downright creepy. Even worse I didn't seem to be alone.
A large shadow detached itself from the wall and stalked silently towards the bed. My mind, hazy from the medications, leapt to the conclusion that I was right. I was to be put down like a rabid dog. Especially when a hand shot out to grip my throat. Lightly squeezing I could still breathe but my hands gripping the thick wrists couldn't break the iron hold.
"Lie still and listen to what I have to say."
"F…Free?" I rasped.
"You are a fool. I warned you to get some help. That if you didn't, grief and sorrow would follow. Your stubbornness almost cost all of us our lives. You are lucky that you made it. I was sure that you'd be a casualty. That Aya would also lose his life. That those actions would devastate the rest of us." In the dim light filtering into the room Free's face took on an eerie glow.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"No you're not. You are a selfish, blind idiot! Sorry would have had you doing anything to get help. Not stumbling unstably through that nearly disastrous mission. Accept what has been offered. Accept some support from those that love you before it is too late." Then Free's hand tightened and I tried to gasp.
"One last thing. If you ever raise a hand to Michel again, berserk or not, I will take you apart." Then he released me and I lay there frozen.
I watched him walk to the door and hesitate there.
"You can get better if you want to badly enough." Then he was gone.
Alone I desperately pressed the button to release more morphine. Eventually the room blurred…I had no idea if it was from the drugs or my own tears.