Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 17
been a long road to follow
been there and gone tomorrow
without saying goodbye to yesterday
are the memories I hold still valid?
or have the tears deluded them?
maybe this time tomorrow
the rain will cease to follow
and the mist will fade into one more today
something somewhere out there keeps calling
am I going home?
will I hear someone singing solace to the silent moon?
zero gravity what's it like?
am I alone?
is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet
still the road keeps on telling me to go on
something is pulling me
I feel the gravity of it all
(Gravity by Maya Sakamoto)
~*~*~
“Grab his hands!”
“Damn it I said hold him still! Ken don’t move I have to see where the blood is coming from.”
“What? What happened? I don’t…” Everything’s all jumbled up. I can’t move! “No! Stop!” I screamed and tried to make sense out of the chaos around me. I felt sluggish and numb and couldn’t get my eyes to open. I tried to sit up or get my arms free. I needed to get away. I needed to…
“Ken please stop moving! You’re all right. Just let me take a look at you.” Who? Chloe?
I wanted to sit up…to get the hands off of me. I struggled and white hot agony speared me in the chest and I couldn’t breathe. Frantically I gripped the arm holding me down. My eyes flew open and I stared up into Chloe’s worried face haloed by the dome light in the SUV.
“Ken calm down. You need to relax. Take a breath, good now another one. Free hand me a knife I need to get his jacket off.” Chloe’s face was spattered with blood and I wondered how he’d been hurt.
His soothing voice, shaky as it was, made me take in a shallow cautious gulp of air. It burned like fire. The muscular arm holding me down belonged to Free and Michel peered over the back of the seat. I tried to sort out how I’d gotten to the car and why I was flat on my back draped over Chloe and Free’s laps.
I blinked and licked my lips. A coppery saltiness filled my mouth and I recognized the taste. More blood.
“W…what? C-Chloe what happened.” Everything hurt and as Chloe carefully cut the jacket off I groaned.
“It’s ok just…just let me look.” There were pinkish tracks on his cheeks and I realized they were from tears.
Why was he so upset? I didn’t understand. I tried to think. The mission…they were fighting. I went to find out what was going on. There was a loud noise and fire…we all ran...then…then it hit me.
“AYA! Oh God Ran! Fuck! Let me up!” Frantically I pushed at the hands holding me ignoring the searing pain that stole my breath away again.
“KEN! STOP! He’s alive! You have to stop moving.” Chloe’s fingers dug into my arms. Free’s arm was like an iron band holding me down.
“Chloe’s right Ken. He’s up here with me.” Michel’s lip was trembling in an effort not to cry.
“You’re lying! I saw…Oh hell…I saw him fall. He got shot! He’s dead I know it!” Spots danced in front of my eyes as it became harder to draw in any air at all.
Chloe’s hands framed my face and forced me to look at him.
“Ken he did get shot. I freaked too. Until I got his coat open. A vest Ken…he was wearing a vest. The impact knocked him off his feet. He hit his head on the concrete floor. He’s barely conscious and resting up there with Michel.” Chloe’s voice came out brittle and sharp with barely contained hysteria.
“I saw…I was sure…I…fuck! I lost it! Let me see him! I need to see him! If he’s ok why are you looking at me like that?!” Aya had to be hurt worse. Otherwise why were they keeping me from him? I panted in an effort to stop the dizzy rush of nausea. Why couldn’t I catch my breath? Everything was so confusing. I tried to bat Chloe’s hands away as they pulled the cut clothing off.
I heard the gasp as he pulled the fabric away. It made a sticky sucking sound as he peeled it apart. No doubt I was covered with the blood of the guy I gutted. I hissed as Chloe’s hand touched something on my chest that made the pain flare up sharp and bright. Nervously I watched as Free handed Chloe a thick gauze pad from the medical kit we keep in the car.
“Chloe what?” I bit my lip and tried not to yell as he laid the pad on the left side of my chest and pressed down. The effort made me cough and once again the metallic taste flooded my mouth.
“Ken please just keep still. You…you got hit when you attacked that guy. We didn’t realize right away. We thought he missed you. Free had to grab and put you in a choke hold. That guy…there was not much left of him after we pulled you off. You didn’t even know who we were. Free missed getting skewered by inches but you managed to rake his arm.” Chloe’s hand trembled as it applied pressure to the makeshift bandage.
“I…I was shot? I didn’t feel…I wasn’t even…” Now it fucking hurt. The crazed adrenaline high faded and I felt weak and sick.
“We…we didn’t even notice at first. I was checking Aya and Michel checked Free’s arm where you gouged him. There was blood everywhere and as we picked you up to get the hell out I noticed you were bleeding. We got to the car and tried to find where you’d been hit.” Chloe brushed the hair out of my eyes. It was matted with blood and clung to my forehead.
“Shit!” All I could think to say and it seemed so inadequate to cover the situation. I’d fucked up badly. I let my inner demons take control. Ones that I tried to keep reigned in. Ones that thirsted for revenge, blood and death.
“Yuki turn left up ahead. We need to get Ken some medical attention. I can’t get the bleeding stopped. Michel call KR we need to set up some damage control. They take one look at us in the emergency room and the police will haul us all away. See if we can get into that clinic with the doctor friend of his.” It was too much of an effort to fight any more. I sank down into Free’s lap and was surprised he wanted me anywhere near him at all.
Chloe’s hands on my chest and the constant pressure only made me want to cough again. I gasped and it felt like I’d been eating broken glass. My hand tangled in Chloe’s sleeve as I looked miserably up at him.
“S…sorry. So S…sorry.” I whispered as a froth of blood ran down my chin.
“Shhhh…it’s all right Ken just stay quiet. We’ll be there soon.” He leaned over and kissed my lips lightly. Not even flinching at the blood.
“Chloe everything’s all set up. Dr. Price will be waiting for us. Is…is he gonna be ok?” Michel’s face was a study in abject misery. I hated seeing him like this and knowing it was my fault.
“Don’t worry Michel. We’ll get him some help. How is Aya?” I wished I could see over the seat but I didn’t have the strength to move.
“He’s coming around. Aya wait lie still. Don’t sit up yet.” I saw a pale hand grasp the back of the seat.
The relief of seeing a visibly shaky Aya levering himself into a sitting position was palpable.
“What…what happened?” That seemed to be the question of the day. Aya’s voice was like a balm to my wounded soul. I was so sure he’d been dead and I’d never hear it again.
“Aya lie back down. You hit your head when you fell. That guy in the doorway shot you and your vest took the impact.” Michel babbled a little frantically.
“Ken…where’s Ken? I saw…I…did he attack the bastard that shot me?” Aya slowly started to look around the vehicle then raised a hand to his head and groaned.
“Ken is here Aya. You need to take it easy. When you fell your head hit the concrete.” Michel placed his hand on Aya’s shoulder.
“Ken I need to see…I thought I heard…Is he ok?” Panic started to lace his voice and I tried to sit up to reassure him. Hands held me down and I snarled in frustration.
“Aya we’re back here. Ken is hurt and we’re taking him to the clinic.” Chloe’s hand did not let up on the pressure he kept on the makeshift bandage.
“Hurt?” Aya turned abruptly in the seat shaking free of Michel’s hands. “Oh god.” He breathed when he saw me.
“Ken! So much blood…Shit!” Aya tried to lean over the seat to get closer. There wasn’t really any room in the cramped SUV.
“Aya I’m sorry.” I gasped raspily. It hurt too much to cough even though the compulsion was there. The blood I was swallowing made my stomach cramp.
Despite Michel’s protests Aya leaned far enough to be able to touch my face. His hair had come undone from the tight braid he wore on mission. The silky strands hid his eyes. I’d once commented that I missed his long hair from years ago and he decided to grow it back out. Gone though was the artificial purplish auburn that he’d died it. I didn’t deserve his touch yet I craved it like a starving man does food. Chloe holding me in his arms with Aya leaning close made me long for something I couldn’t have any more. I closed my eyes and just drifted.
“How bad?” Aya’s distraught voice made me frown.
“Bullet hit him upper left chest. I can’t find an exit wound. He’s having trouble breathing. Aya…the bleeding won’t stop. I…I tried.” Chloe sniffled loudly and I knew he was crying again. Those tears hurt worse than the gunshot wound.
“Fuck! Chloe we’ll get him some help. God my head hurts…can’t think. Yuki is he going to the hospital?” Aya’s sharp angry voice made me cringe a little.
“Clinic Aya. We can’t risk the emergency room looking like we came from a charnel house. “They know we’re coming and I’m sure KR will make sure there’s a doctor waiting.
I forced my eyes open to look at Aya. His skin was chalk white and his eyes narrowed with either pain or anger. I’d really fucked up and earned his wrath. I tried to draw in a breath to speak but only managed a weak whisper.
“S…sorry Aya.” I’d disappointed him again.
Aya’s head whipped around when he heard my voice.
“Ken no, god no I’m not mad at you. I can’t lose you…I j...just can’t. I d...don’t know what to do. Not again I can’t go through this again.” Aya’s panicky voice and harsh breathing stunned me. He grabbed my hand and his fingers tightened painfully.
“Aya love, calm down you’re hyperventilating. We need you now. I n…need your help. Please.” Chloe begged.
“We’ll get there in time Aya. I promise.” Free’s utterly placid tone seemed to reassure everyone. Although Aya’s hand did not let go of mine and Chloe’s did not stop pressing painfully on the wound as he whispered reassurances in my ear.
“Yuki how much longer?” I heard Michel ask. His voice seemed higher and slightly hysterical.
“Almost there. Just five or so minutes.” The tires squealed and the SUV took a sharp turn. Chloe was thrown forward.
I gasped at the blindingly sharp pain and could not hold back an explosive coughing fit. Blood ran down my chin and I could not catch a breath at all. Desperate for air I tried to sit up as my hands clawed at my chest. Fuck I knew what was wrong. I’d gone through this years ago on a mission with Weiss. I’d taken a tumble down a flight of stairs and broke some ribs. The fucking bullet must have punctured a lung. Everything grew hazy and frantic shouting barely registered as I lost my tenuous hold on consciousness.
I wondered if I would cheat death a second time. I also wondered if I even wanted to.