Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 13
I burrowed under the covers and tried to think of the happier times that had not been so long ago. They were not the comfort I’d been hoping for. The urge to pick apart all my memories, even the good ones, for hidden flaws was a strong one. I just lay there drifting until I heard the door open. The rattle of a tray was distinct as it was set down on the table beside the bed. The fragrant aroma of peppermint tea filled the room as Chloe sat down on the edge of the bed.
A gentle hand brushed the hair back from my forehead before settling on my brow. It was the only part of me sticking out from the nest of blankets.
“Ken? Chloe said you weren’t feeling well. Are you all right?” Aya sounded worried and that caused my stomach to ache.
Great it was one more thing to make him want to veto my part in the upcoming mission.
“Mmm I’m all right. Just a headache.” My reply came out brusquer than I’d wanted and muffled by the covers.
“Did you take something for it?” Aya’s soft voice was gratingly patronizing and I flinched away from his hand.
“No.” I mumbled and tiredly yawned. Truthfully I was afraid to sleep. I didn’t want the dreams to return.
“Why not? Honestly Ken a couple of painkillers wouldn’t hurt. They might even help you sleep.” Aya grabbed the covers near my head and yanked.
“I said I don’t want any!” God if he only knew. I’d almost taken too many of the damned little pills and only realized it at the last moment. Irritably I batted his hand away. I flopped over on my stomach and hid my face in my arms.
“Ken stop being an ass. I only want to help. Last night…” He hesitated and I lifted my head to look back at him.
Dark circles under Aya’s eyes marred his handsome face and he appeared every bit as exhausted as I felt. I had put them there and I could not help feeling guilty. We had been through so much together. Why was I letting this most recent disagreement pull us apart? I guess it was fear. I was afraid that I didn’t have the capacity to be in a relationship. I tended to push people away when they got too close. Even now after being together for nearly a year and a half I still was reluctant to let Aya and Chloe all the way into my life. And they called Aya the emotionally closed off one. True he was stubborn, broody and prone to petulant silences. While I was loud, had a bad temper and went out of my way to hurt those I cared about before they could hurt me first. It had become second nature to keep testing Aya and Chloe. I’d been used so much in the past that I needed constant reassurance that it wasn’t going to happen again. Not the way to establish a healthy partnership. I could tell Chloe was getting tired of being the buffer between Aya and me as well. As much as he claimed to love me I would eventually drive him away too. Trouble was I had no idea how to fix the problem. Perhaps I really didn’t need to do this job any more. I just couldn’t see myself as anything else but a hired killer. True we were working towards the greater good but it still meant trusting someone who claimed to know better. We’d been nothing more than pawns to Kritiker and I wondered how long it would be before KR started using us for his own gain as well.
The uncomfortable silence stretched between us until Aya got up to leave. Suddenly I didn’t want that. I needed him close as my fear of abandonment reared its ugly head. He had made a gesture of peace by bringing the tray in to my bedroom and I knew that if I let him go it might be the last such gesture. It made me ache so badly last night to see Aya curled by himself on the other side of the bed. But I couldn’t reach out to him then. I just wasn’t ready. Now though, if I didn’t I might lose him forever. I grabbed his sleeve and bit my lip as Aya turned to stare. He was frowning as if expecting another confrontation. His arm under my hand felt stiff and tense. Aya was bracing for another attack.
“Aya wait. Can you… I mean… I want you to stay with me a while?” I softly pled. I was afraid that he would leave anyway.
“Ken I don’t think that’s such a good idea. I mean nothing has changed and you still won’t be reasonable about…” I cut off his excuses. They didn’t matter right now and this felt too much like the day he left me standing at the airport.
“I don’t care. I don’t want to talk about that again. Not here and not now. How much sleep did you get last night Aya?” I tugged and he sank back down on the mattress. His back was ramrod straight as he perched right on the edge.
Aya hung his head so his hair covered his face. It was a habit of his when he was feeling particularly vulnerable. “Not much. I just couldn’t seem to relax. Not with you acting so distant. God Ken we are fucking this up badly and I’m so tired.”
“Lay down Aya. With me and try and get some sleep. I’m sure that someone can cover for you. It’s never that busy on a Monday anyway.” At least I thought it was Monday. The days kind of seemed to blur together at times.
Stubbornness might still make Aya retreat. He sat there for a long moment and then just sagged back against me. I curled my arms around his tense body and buried my nose in his soft crimson hair. I missed this. The way he smelled and the little noises he made as I wrapped myself around him.
“Ken tell me what to do. I feel so damned helpless and I hate it.” I stroked his hair and he sighed heavily.
“I don’t know. I want to get past this but I need you to trust me. Everyone keeps looking at me like I’m some kind of whacko and it’s hard to get better when my own team has no faith in me at all.” Aya turned to stare at me and I pulled away a little.
“How can I trust you when you won’t let me in?” Aya’s accusatory tone made me count to ten before I said something I would regret.
“I’m trying. I’ve already told you things that I’ve never told anyone else. I just need a little more time. I have some problems to work out and I promise you’ll be the first to hear all the rest.” His intense gaze seemed to look deep into my soul. It was hard not to turn away. His head dropped to my chest and he clung to me. I guess Aya did not see what he was looking for and gave up.
“I don’t want to talk any more. It’s getting us nowhere.” His defeated tone prodded my protective nature awake.
“Then we won’t. Just rest here a while and I’ll hold you.”
That is exactly what I did. I had no idea how much time passed before Aya lost his death grip on me and his breathing evened out. He was finally asleep and I savored his warmth. Soon I grew drowsy and slipped into a light doze as well.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Someone was touching me.
I tried to shake off the remnants of the half dream that was trying to suck me under. I tried not to panic and thrash around wildly. I was also thoroughly pinned in place and wanted to get loose.
“Shhh… Ken It’s ok. Relax and open your eyes.” The hand that I realized was on my face shifted to thread through my hair and push my bangs off my forehead. I recognized that voice. I did as he asked and tried to get my breathing back to normal. Chloe sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at me. Out of the three of us he looked the most rested. No doubt he figured he needed the energy to be referee between Aya and myself.
“How long was I asleep?” I asked somewhat fuzzily.
The blond staring intently at me leaned over and softly brushed his lips over mine. I leaned up into his kiss and savored the moment his tongue slid into my mouth. He didn’t seem to care that I was fucked up and seriously doubting my place on the team. His touch did not seem forced and for that I truly loved him. I shifted my hand to cup his cheek when a soft groan got our attention and we ended the brief contact. Aya’s head nestled in the crook of my neck. He exhaled noisily and moved a bit to get more comfortable. He was still dead to the world.
“I let you sleep about 4 hours since you seemed exhausted. I came up to check on the two of you and noticed that you were muttering in your sleep. I guessed it might have been a bad dream and decided to wake you up.” Chloe’s fingers combed the tangles out of my hair and I practically purred at his touch.
He was right. I’d needed the sleep desperately and Aya’s presence had been a balm to my wounded spirit after all. He lay stretched out closely tucked into my side with a leg thrown over my hip and an arm across my chest. It was much the same position Chloe had been in last night. As if they had to hold me in place for fear that I would be gone when they woke up. I still felt at a loss as to what I was supposed to do next.
“What should I do? Nothing has changed Chloe. How do I…damn it! Aya looks so peaceful there but when he wakes up is it going to go all to hell again?” Sleeping Aya looked so unlike his usual careworn self lately. The frown line between his eyes was gone and I lightly ran my thumb over that spot. Aya murmured tiredly and burrowed closer.
Chloe looked at us both almost wistfully. “Aya needs you Ken. More than he is willing to admit. I don’t want to have to pick up the pieces if you keep shoving him away. I knew there was a reason Aya never committed to me fully. He always held something back. I realize now what that something was. Ken you complete Aya and share a history with him that I was not a part of. I heard the stories of what the two of you went through. But you lived it with him. You both survived and maybe came out scarred by the experience. Aya hurts too Ken even though he does not show it as much.”
“Chloe how can I be there for him if I can’t even be there for myself? I feel so lost and disconnected. It’s like everyone I care about is leaving me and it’s all my fault.” I was startled when Chloe firmly grabbed my chin and tilted my head up. His ice blue eyes bore into mine.
“Don’t give up on him Ken. On what you have together. You have to stop wallowing in self-pity and take a look around you. There are people who care and will help if you’ll just ask for it.”
Could I believe what Chloe was telling me? Or should I continue to nurse this soul deep hurt that was only getting worse? I found it so hard to trust anyone even if the two people who would be the most understanding were right here before me. I was having trouble shaking the feeling that Aya might turn his back on me again. Despite the needy and troubling words my red haired lover had spoken earlier I didn’t really believe that anything would change once Aya woke up.
I felt hands clench my t-shirt and when I looked down Aya was gazing up at me blinking sleepily. The frown line was back marring his forehead and he pushed himself away from me and sat up. I could tell that my lover regretted being so clingy earlier. My attitude lately had forced the old Aya to surface. The one that avoided strong emotion and kept the world at bay with a sort of haughty coldness.
As Aya sat there he wiped one hand across his eyes and took a deep breath.
“What time is it?”
Chloe shook his head. “About 4 pm. You both needed the sleep and truthfully I needed a respite from the both of you. Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? I hate seeing you like this. Aya is already tensing up and Ken is getting irritated. Why don’t you just grow up and admit there is a fucking problem.”
That was unexpected. Usually my platinum haired lover is the calming influence in this odd relationship.
“Well if Ken would only admit that there is a problem. He does not need to go on this mission because of some misguided notion that he needs to prove himself.” Aya’s eyes flashed angrily and any trace of warmth from earlier was gone.
The closeness I’d felt before when I held Aya in my arms evaporated and was replaced with righteous indignation.
“Now wait just a fucking minute Aya! This mission is not the problem. It’s your lack of trust in me! Admit it you think I am a total screw up!” True to form Aya’s mouth turned up into a sneer.
“It’s me you don’t trust Ken. Mihirogi made me mission leader for this one and if I say you’re not fit then you’re not.” His expression dared me to protest.
I looked over at Chloe and he seemed totally embarrassed. “You were going to tell me when? God Damn it Chloe! Now you are both keeping secrets from me?”
“I’m sorry I was going to tell you but we needed to talk about other things first. Honestly, but Aya said to…” I interrupted him at this point.
“Aya said?” I turned to the redhead beside me. “Just who died and made you God? Oh wait silly me must have been our lovely mouthpiece for KR.” I was almost seeing red. Now that Aya was in charge I had no hope in hell of going.
“I’m not going to sit here while you go off all half cocked and insult me.” Aya ground out from between clenched teeth.
“Oh no fucking way am I letting you stalk off like some ice prince thinking I’m wrong.” I grabbed his arms and slammed Aya back down on the bed. I straddled his hips and pinned him to the mattress.
Momentarily too surprised to struggle Aya just glared at me. I hated being on the receiving end of the infamous Fujimiya death glare. Instead of making me back off it just made me angrier.
“Let go Ken. Now.” His calm quiet demand just added fuel to the fire. I was tired of Aya always being in total control while I felt like a drowning man in need of a life preserver.
I had no trouble holding Aya in place and he knew it. He arched his back and struggled to get free.
“Come on Ken let Aya up. We can talk about this later I think the both of you just need to cool off.” Chloe grabbed my shoulder and I jerked away.
“Back off Chloe this is between me and Aya. I’m sick of his superior attitude and thinking he’s always right.” Aya tried to pull his hands from my strong grip.
Aya’s struggles were having an effect on me I had not anticipated. His actions were making me hard and I felt the overwhelming need to wipe that sneer right off of his handsome face. So much for my need to cling to Aya before our nap. Now all I wanted was to dominate that smug bastard.
Apparently even though Aya was pissed at me as well the resulting wrestling match was having the same effect on him too. I’d never felt the need before to take control of my red haired lover like this. I was content for him to take the lead and show me what he wanted. But with everything else in my life spiraling out of control I still had this. Wild, unrestrained passion. To hell with our argument and to hell with the mission.
“Ken….” Aya hissed as I rubbed my crotch against his.
“Shut up Aya.” I growled and slammed my lips onto his.