Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 12
Omi hung lifeless like some macabre scarecrow. He was held upright and ensnared in an impenetrable web of razor sharp wire. Aya had gutted him while I lay helpless on the ground. Blood dripped steadily from his wounds to stain the snow below. I voiced my denial at the harsh reality in front of me and rushed the wire wielding assassin that had caught him in the first place. A Downward slash to his unprotected side and Yohji dropped slowly to the frozen ground. A faint smile decorated his face as if death were a welcome release.
Gasping for air I faced off against Aya and barely managed to duck a vicious slash of his Katana that would have cut me in two. He was quicker but I had brute strength on my side. This fight never should have happened. It was my worst nightmare come true and now I had to face Aya and kill or be killed. Part of me wanted to just stand there with my arms spread wide and take a sword thrust to the heart. My pain would end and I would not have to suffer this dismal existence any longer. The only bright spot in my life had been Omi but even he’d been slowly turning away from the monster I’d become.
My instincts kicked in though and I backpedaled out of the way of his flashing blade. This was Aya at his deadliest and most stunning. A snarl decorated his handsomely pretty face and his eyes glittered with deadly intent. Eventually he would get in a skilled strike and I was getting winded dodging his graceful attacks. I had to take a chance and get close enough to use my claws. I brought my gloves up to trap his katana between the sturdy blades but that only held him at bay for a moment. He twisted his sword and the claws on my gloves snapped like brittle twigs. One lone sharpened spike remained but it was enough. Aya reared back in an overhead strike that was sure to have been his killing blow. I ducked low taking my team mate totally by surprise. I sank that single claw into his chest with enough force to fold him over my raised fist. Fatally wounded Aya dropped backward off my blade in a gout of blood. He landed on his back with an incredulous look on his face to have been defeated by my wild attack. He died uttering his disbelief.
To my horror Omi was not yet gone. He glanced around in agony at the sight before him. My best friend and lover cried at what had become of Weiss then he too slipped away. I was the only one left standing. I stared at the carnage as my world spiraled totally out of control. Unable to take the tremendous pain welling within my chest I threw my head back and screamed. My greatest fear had come to pass. I was alone and the others were dead by my hand and the actions I had taken. I lost track of what I was supposed to be doing. I got caught up in the fictitious fight. I forgot that this was only a show to convince the man that held Manx hostage that his mission had been accomplished. In my mind it became all too frighteningly real. The fake blood looked too convincing. Also the minor injuries we had suffered to make the fight seem genuine became more gruesome.
After all this could have been real. The orders had come down that Omi and I were to die after betraying a mission. Aya had been ready to kill us and Yohji resigned to the fact that he had to help. It was a threat we lived under since joining Weiss and becoming dogs of Kritiker. The fake fight had been concocted to lull the real target into a false sense of complacency. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. My legs were shaking so badly that I dropped to my knees. I waited for the hidden Kritiker agents to signal us that the set up had been a success. I waited to feel the touch of Yohji’s hand on my shoulder. I waited to hear the sounds of Aya cutting Omi free of his wiry prison. I became confused when only silence greeted my ears. Scared now I opened my eyes and looked around. Omi still hung there lifeless, Yohji remained face down in the crimson stained snow and Aya stared sightlessly up at the leaden sky. The fight…it was real. I’d killed them all and was left alone. Another scream tore my throat as I flung myself at Aya begging him to wake up.
I hit the floor hard and startled my eyes snapped open. I’d had another fucking nightmare and fell out of bed. Wildly I glanced around the room and panicked a bit when I found it empty. Aya’s room… his bed. It’s where we had ended up after Chloe had marched me downstairs to apologize to Aya for treating him unfairly. I couldn’t get the images from the dream out of my head. I also couldn’t seem to catch my breath. Hot bile flooded my throat and I scrabbled for the small bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I heaved in great sobbing gasps everything I’d eaten the night before. After the spasms finally passed I flushed the mess away then slumped miserably shaking on the floor. I was glad that Aya and Chloe had not been in the room to witness my latest panic attack.
Shivering with cold and sniveling pathetically I stripped off my pajama bottoms and got into the shower. I did not even wait for the water to warm as I turned it on full force. As the stinging spray pelted my body I huddled into the corner and waited for the tremors to subside. When the water heated I was able to take a deep shaky breath and get to my feet. I leaned against the blue tiled wall and just mentally drifted. Seeing me now Aya would have had good reason to keep me off this upcoming mission. I could control this. I’d show him that I could be useful. That I’m not the big fuck up cry-baby head case he believed I was.
Still in a daze I grabbed the bottle of body wash and nearly jumped out of my skin when the glass door slid to one side and a hand stroked my ass. I dropped the bottle and felt like clutching my chest. Chloe stood grinning at me never even noticing I was on the verge of a freaking heart attack.
“Want me to join you?” He purred and started to unbutton his shirt.
To say I was not in the mood was a vast understatement. I just hoped he would take no for an answer without getting pissy.
“I’m sorry Chloe. I really don’t feel well. I woke up and came in here to see if a hot shower would help.” It really was true. My head was pounding and my stomach still unsettled.
Unconcerned about the water drenching his blue linen shirt he slid his hand up to my cheek. I turned my face into his hand and accepted the caress. It did feel nice and at least I was not alone with the remnants of my nightmare.
“Are you all right lover?” His light blue eyes looked me over carefully as if he could tell what was wrong.
“Head ache and stomach hurts a bit. I really ought to go back to bed.” Truthfully I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and hide.
I needed to get my act together and put on a good front if I were to convince Aya I would not be a hindrance to the upcoming mission. My red headed lover had reluctantly agreed sort of but his doubts still hurt.
“You finish up in here then and I’ll go and make you some tea and toast.” Chloe brushed his thumb over my lips and smiled.
God he was gorgeous when he did that. It made me feel like an utter shit for lying about what was wrong. Well not lying precisely but omitting the reason behind the pounding in my skull and churning gut. Chloe’s fingers lingered on my face and I did my best to smile back. It must have come out looking more than a bit forced because concern flooded his eyes.
“Really I’m ok. I just need to finish up in here and lie down. There is flu going around and I don’t want to miss the mission in a few days.” I stepped back away from his hand and thought what was one more lie on top of all the others?
“I’ll be right back. You take your shower then get into bed so you don’t get cold.” After a lingering glance Chloe slid the glass door shut and was gone.
I leaned my head against the tiles and let the overly hot water beat against the back of my neck. Chloe didn’t comment about me going on the mission and I was grateful. Aya was still upset. I know he felt we were ganging up on him but that did not stop me forcing the issue. Aya loathed confrontation and was perhaps as insecure in this relationship as I was at times. He rarely let anyone see that side of him and most thought he came off cold and calculating. I knew better. He just buried the hurt deep and let it fester. Then when it boiled to the surface no one was safe from his ire. I had pushed him to that point last night and coming against that locked door made me feel like he was locking me out of his life as well.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I didn’t want to even have that confrontation. Chloe had all but dragged me downstairs when I would have hidden in the gym to lick my wounds. We stood outside the door to Aya’s private sanctum. It was still a room I felt vaguely uncomfortable in. This space was so personal to him that we rarely all ended up in here. It was usually my room or Chloe’s that got the most use.
It was also the smallest of the three third floor bedrooms. The building had once contained second and third floor apartments and since we had no use for six individual pocket kitchens the building had been extensively remodeled before Aya and I had joined. The second floor bedrooms were smaller but had a huge media/living room. We tended to gather there to watch TV or play video games. The main floor had the shop, storeroom and large eat in kitchen. Having a communal living and eating area helped us to bond as a team or so I’d been told. It was true though. I did have some fond memories of the time we spent there.
Plus confronting Aya in his sanctum was something I was not looking forward to. It gave him the mental high ground and I really didn’t want to face any more of his holier-than-thou bull shit. I was kept waiting for almost too long and was on the verge of stomping off when I heard the lock click and the door opened.
Aya stood there backlit from the reading lamp in the corner. He was wearing a light grey yukata and his glasses were perched on his nose. His hair was still tied back in a neat braid and a book was held open in his hand by his thumb. Aya simply stepped aside and Chloe shoved me a little to propel me into the room. I glanced down at the book and saw the cover. The man was absolutely addicted to romance novels. It blew my mind to see Aya avidly devouring the latest gothic bodice ripper. It seemed this book too fell under that category. Since it contained a scantily clad heroine holding aloft a candelabrum in a dimly lit castle hallway.
The room was painfully neat and I walked to the edge of the bed and sat down. I didn’t want to look Aya in the face so I frantically looked elsewhere. I focused on the black lacquered dresser.
There was a picture there of Aya-chan flanked by two delicate vases of flowers that he replaced every few days. It showed her happy, healthy and smiling at the camera. She was attending university in Japan and was studying to be a doctor. Mamoru was paying the tuition and had contact with Aya’s baby sister. She had been told that the money was from a life insurance policy on her brother. We had tried to convince Aya to let her know that he wasn’t dead. But Aya had been adamant. His sister was to have no part of the world he lived in now. It was all right for Mamoru to interact with Aya-chan since he was a respected business man and as long as all traces of his other life were never revealed to the young woman.
The silence was starting to grate on my nerves and I chanced a peek at Aya. He was standing there much like I was. Not looking at me either. Chloe had his hand on Aya’s back and I felt vaguely betrayed by the gesture. I was the injured party not him. Chloe whispered something in his ear and Aya looked right at me. I didn’t know what to say that would not degrade into a screaming match. I was tired and really not in the mood to argue. But then I’d gotten good at placating Aya and opted to just shove aside my hurt. It wouldn’t do any good to rehash the whole mess anyway.
“Look I know you don’t trust me Aya. I’m going on the mission and nothing you say is going to stop me. I need to do this. I need to prove to myself that I can be useful. I know I said all of this downstairs but it’s true.” Despite my decision to play nice that statement came out a bit harsher than I intended.
Aya turned his back on me and I’d had enough. I was going to my room to be alone. I stood up and started for the door. A slim hand on my chest stopped me.
“Just sit back down and listen.” Aya’s low voice and commanding tone pissed me off more.
“I really don’t think we have anything to talk about. You can stay here and let Chloe console you. I’m going to bed.” I reached up to remove his hand. They were both glaring at me now for my continuing tantrum.
“Damn it will you just sit!”
“Fuck you Aya.” Not the wisest thing I’ve ever said but it got the point across. Perhaps a bit too well.
I got up to leave. I really didn’t want to hear it. Aya’s hand dropped away from me as if I were too loathsome to touch. His eyes narrowed and he hissed in annoyance. Aya then turned away from me to stare out the window. Great just fucking great! We’d resolved nothing and I felt the chasm between us widen even further. This was more like the Aya that I used to know. His cold distance I’d managed to put there and the realization made my stomach churn.
I was really surprised when a lithe blond stepped between me and the door. One hard shove to my chest and I was flailing backward and landing on the bed. It’s easy to forget just how physically strong Chloe can be. Then I watched incredulously as he grabbed Aya’s arm and pushed him down beside me. I tried not to flinch away from Aya as he practically sprawled across me in an untidy heap. Neither one of us had expected this.
“You two will stay right there until you have at least talked it out. I am sick to death of the both of you right now! Ken you have to accept that we love you and want to help. We only want what is best for you. Aya you have to drop the sullen pigheadedness that seems to be holding you back from telling Ken how you feel. Tell him what you told me earlier. Quit acting like spoiled children or I swear to god I am going to handcuff you together until this is settled.” Then with a huff to blow his platinum bangs off his forehead Chloe dropped onto the loveseat glaring at the both of us. He was pointedly toying with one of his rose bedecked needles. I got the feeling if one of us didn’t start talking we were in for some rough treatment.
“Look Aya I know you don’t trust me anymore. I haven’t given you much reason to with all my fuckups. But I’m not backing down. I need this mission to prove that I can do something right. If you can’t handle that I’m sorry. I’ll try and stay out of your way. I need…damn it! I need something to cling to. Some sense that I’m not completely useless.” Aya sat on the bed staring at his fists that were clenched tightly in his lap. I waited for him to say anything. The silence was deafening and I couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Fine! Stay pissed. Take me off the mission. Throw me away just like everyone in my life has. See if I fucking care!” This time not even Chloe was going to stop me from leaving. I’d go through him if I had to.
I flung myself off the bed and a firm grip on my wrist stopped me. Aya’s hand had shot out to grab me. I glared down at him and what I saw made me hesitate. There was fear shimmering in the depths of his eyes.
“Wait please…” His whisper was barely audible.
I sank back down and now it was my turn to stare at my lap…at where his hand gripped mine.
“It’s true. I don’t want you on this mission. You need help Ken. You’re sick and I don’t know what to do anymore to make you better. Tell me what to do. Help us to help you Ken. Please.” Aya sounded defeated just like right before he lost Yohji. It was my fault that he felt this way.
“Aya I have to do this. I’m not going to be a burden on this team. I’m not going to go through again all that crap I went through while I was locked up. What the fuck did they know anyway? I was just another whacko to analyze. To pick apart and bring up things I’d have been better off forgetting. What good did it do anyway? I got better on my own. I didn’t need anyone’s help.” His grip tightened a bit and I winced. I don’t think he even realized it.
“Don’t you get it Ken? I don’t give a damn about the mission! I can’t lose you too. I don’t want to see you hurt! I’m worried that you won’t be able to hold it together. Fuck! Why can’t you see that?” Aya closed his eyes and bit his lip. I could feel the slight tremble of his hand where it held my wrist.
The fight just went out of me. Defeat crept in and knowing that Aya had lost faith in me was a painful realization.
“I’m still going.” I said in the dead silence of the room.
“I know.” Aya replied as his hand slid away from mine.
“God I’m tired.” I murmured as I scrubbed my hand over my face.
Chloe walked over to me and stood between my parted knees. His hand reached out and stroked my hair. I buried my face against his abdomen and inhaled his vaguely citrusy floral scent. My arms crept around his waist and I just held on. I felt another hand tentatively touch my back. I knew it was Aya and I let him place his arms around me too. It was as if I was drowning and my life depended on how tightly I could hold on. Aya pulled away first and with a sad sigh he retreated to his bathroom.
“Ken go after him.” Chloe said softly as his fingers continued to sift through my hair.
“I…I can’t. Not tonight. I just need to sleep.” Cowardly answer but it was the only one I had in me.
Chloe’s echoing sad sigh let me know I’d disappointed him too.
Later on that night as I lay awake in Aya’s bed I could not help but to think that I’d ruined everything again. It had been Chloe’s suggestion that we remain in this room. It was a gesture to Aya and to make him feel more comfortable. But our earlier discussion had solved nothing but establish an uneasy truce. Aya had not been reassured at all as to my mental state and I was still hurt by his unwillingness to trust me. Chloe nuzzled my neck in his sleep and gripped me firmly. I guess he was afraid I’d disappear in the middle of the night. He might have been right. I was considering slinking back to my own room now that they were asleep. To do so now would surely wake the blond who was doing his best octopus impression wrapped so tightly around me.
Aya was sleeping on the other side of the bed. He was turned away from both of us and huddled forlornly in the blankets. Even in sleep he had isolated himself from me and I really couldn’t blame him. Not to have Aya curled up at my back felt so wrong. I missed his comforting warmth and his penchant to cuddle. We were still too angry with each other and maybe it was for the best. That did not make it hurt any less and I’d pushed him to this. Sometimes getting what you wanted could be a real bitch.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was supposed to be working in the shop today. Truthfully I was glad I’d made excuses to Chloe about being sick. Still I felt uncomfortable being in Aya’s room alone. It felt unwelcoming and a bit cold. I grabbed the bottle of shampoo and hastily scrubbed my hair clean. It was Aya’s scent that surrounded me in the warm steam and the walls started to close in. Ducking one more time to rinse I turned off the water and stepped out onto the rug. I really wanted to be back in my own bed and forget the last 12 hours had even happened. I roughly ran the towel over my wet skin as if the motion would erase the taint of the dream I had. Everything was falling apart. Aya was still upset with me. Chloe was being overly solicitous and Free wanted to strangle me for mistreating Michel. Only Yuki and the blond chibi had showed any confidence in my claims that I was all right.
Well I suppose I was being unfair to Chloe. He did defend me to Mihirogi and he’d stood up to Aya too. But it felt forced somehow. Like Chloe wanted to believe I could hold it together but there were still some lingering doubts. I had to believe I could back up the promises I’d made. That I could get over this crippling self doubt and violent mood swings. That I was not going crazy again. I swore I would not be locked up again…for any reason.
I breathed a sigh of relief once I was back in my own room. The door was closed and it felt safer. The slight clutter and rumpled bed put me at ease. I wanted to lie down though and needed something for my pounding head. I rummaged through my bathroom cabinet and picked up a bottle of powerful painkillers. Injuries were a very real likelihood in our profession and we had a veritable pharmacy at our disposal. The prescription bottle had a few warning labels including one that said they could be habit forming. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. What was one more vice on top of all my others? I opened the bottle and shook a few out into my hand. They were such innocuous looking capsules and would knock my ass out for a while.
I filled the glass on the bathroom counter from the sink and raised the pills to my lips. I had a vivid flash of memory. Of Yohji swallowing a handful of the same type of pills and chasing them with a large swig of whiskey.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I’d just come in to the small apartment we had shared on our mission to Germany with a bag filled with groceries. His bloodshot green eyes looked at me guiltily as the bottle of booze slipped from his fingers to smash on the floor. Cursing I dropped the bag and grabbed the prescription bottle. It had been right after he’d been caught in that explosion and had fallen off the roof. The pills had been given to Yohji to ease the pain of his injuries. I knew killing that bitch had torn him up but I didn’t think he’d stoop to offing himself.
I looked into the empty bottle. It had been three quarters full when I’d left. Fuck! I wasted no time grabbing Yohji and dragging him into the bathroom. He might have been taller than me but could not even hope to match me in sheer strength. Not that he protested too much when I forced him to his knees in front of the toilet. Next came the unpleasant task of jamming my fingers down his throat until he gagged. With my hand tangled in his hair I held his head over the basin until he’d vomited up everything in his stomach. Along with the heaving came intermittent protests and harsh sobbing. Yohji had been doing his best to pickle his liver with booze for the better part of two days and when I’d left to fetch some food he’d been passed out on the couch.
Disgusted with him and not willing to admit I was scared to death I thrust him into the shower once the retching had stopped. I turned on the cold water and amidst some yelping I left the bathroom. I was pissed…how dare he try and take the easy way out? He’d have left me all alone in this godforsaken country where I could not even speak the language. I’d already lost one family member and I’d do anything to keep from losing another. Little did I know our days were numbered and our last mission as Weiss was looming on the horizon. I cleaned up the mess of spilled whiskey and broken glass and then put the groceries away. I peeked in the bathroom to make sure the blond idiot had not tried to slit his wrists. The water in the shower had warmed and he was actually washing himself. Yohji had always been so fastidious about his appearance and seeing him taking an interest actually made me feel a bit better.
By the time Yohji came out of the bathroom I’d heated some soup and had poured it into a couple of large mugs. He was wearing a white terrycloth robe knotted loosely at the hips. His short light blond hair was hanging in damp tendrils around his face. Yohji would not even look me in the eye as he sat down on the threadbare sofa. I pressed a mug into his hands and he slowly drank the warm liquid. I did not say a word…what could I say? I wanted to yell and scream and beat the crap out of him for making me feel this way. So helpless and insecure. I drank my own soup and turned to the sink to wash the few dishes. I dropped the soup pot noisily onto the counter when a pair of arms slid around my waist.
So this was how we were going to deal with the situation? I’d let him fuck me several times before when he’d been climbing the walls with the need to go out and lose himself to the lure of a quick screw, booze and his drug of choice for the moment. It was either that or knock him out and tie him to the bed. What the hell did I care anyway? If this is what I had to do to keep Yohji from going stir crazy then it was ok with me. I was lonely too and missed the touch of another. The last time had been rushed, had hurt and I’d gotten precious little out of the exchange. It seemed so impersonal and I was not even sure Yohji was even seeing me at all. In fact when he cried out Aya’s name as he came I really lost all interest in coming as well. It was nice afterward though when uncharacteristically he had draped his arms around me and fell asleep with his chin on my shoulder. I could lay there and pretend that it was me he wanted to hold and not an absent red head.
This time though as his warm breath ghosted over the skin on my neck he asked me to come to bed. Asked to fuck me and I bit my lip and nodded. He needed human contact and so did I. We needed to feel that there was more to us than blood, pain and death. It was slow, sensual and incredibly bitter sweet. We both knew that it was not each other that we craved. But the other half of our team. This time he made sure I came first and his tears wet the side of my neck as he buried his face in my hair. As Yohji thrust into my sated body I held him as he shuddered in my arms. It was the last time we ever were intimate with each other. It had been a release and nothing more. Our brief encounter had done nothing to heal his torment or quench my thirst to kill.
I never told Aya about this last moment I had with Yohji. He only knew that we’d fucked and it was to keep him on track with the current mission. I did not want to add to Aya’s guilt over his loss. He did not need to know how desperately Yohji had needed him.
~*~
My fist was clenched tightly around the pills. I opened my hand and stared at the number I’d dumped into my hand. Not enough to possibly kill me but far more than the recommended dosage. What the hell? I didn’t even think I’d shaken that many out of the bottle. I was so fucked. I stared accusingly at the six capsules and with a slightly shaking hand I dumped them into the toilet. Then I emptied the rest of the bottle and flushed. I needed to lie down. If I could just get some sleep then maybe things would be better.
I got into bed and curled up on my side. This all felt too much like the helplessness I’d experienced right before Mamoru stuck me in that prison. I’d never felt so alone. All I had to do was reach out and accept the help that had been offered. I couldn’t do it. I had to prove that I had it in me to defeat the demons. I did not want to be anybody’s burden or to be the object of pity. The pity I could already see in their eyes when they looked at me.