Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 11
It had been two weeks since my last breakdown and after that night Aya and Chloe became regular bedmates again. I tried… I really did to get back some normalcy in my life. But I wasn’t even sure anyone trusted me anymore. I know they all meant well but I was getting tired of being watched and I felt as if they were waiting for the loony to snap again. It took all my will power not to yell at my lovers and shove them away. Yuki was even more wary around me now and Free kept a leery eye on me. I knew that if I took out my frustration on Michel he’d be right there to tear me a new one.
It was Michel though more than anyone that I didn’t mind attention from. He forgave me almost instantly for biting his head off and it was back to our old routine of him busting into my room at odd hours to share anything that has grabbed his attention. Thank god for the lock on the door too. Chloe and Aya went out of their way to make me feel loved and wanted. I was almost eaten up with guilt making them think I was getting better. The only thing I was getting better at was hiding. But that could only last so long and when I felt the need I would lock myself in the gym and work out until I nearly dropped from exhaustion. The others allowed me this outlet. Aya and Chloe thought it was a good way to work out my anger and frustrations. It only worked so well though and not having any missions to go on only added to my feelings of discontent and unease.
But I stayed passive and docile around my team so they would have no reason to doubt my progress. I was careful not to drink again… well at least when they could catch me. The one time Aya caught me with a bottle his disapproving stare spoke volumes and I poured the contents down the sink. I felt like a fucking teenager who’d been sneaking booze out of the liquor cabinet. Then later that night I got a lecture from both Aya and Chloe about how drinking was not a good idea and I could easily find myself addicted. As if I didn’t know that but it was not a problem and I was handling it just fine.
I even managed to pick through the remains of my pictures and scrap books. They were not torn up too badly. Well the newspaper clippings had not survived but the photos were all intact. I almost lost it though when I came across a post game picture with Jonathan, David and I. Then it all came rushing back again. The way I felt when I saw David collapse on the soccer field. Meeting Jonathan again and him asking for my help. Being betrayed by him and getting the crap beat out of me by his enhanced strength. Slashing him with my claws and feeling the hot spray of blood on my skin. Reveling in it for one brief second before the horror crept in. He’d not only betrayed me but the game I’d once loved as well. In disgust I’d covered his body with his team flag before limping away.
It felt too much like what Kase had done and I wondered if David would have willingly taken the interleukin drug if his brother hadn’t pushed it on him. I guess there had been reason for Kase feeling jealous of me being around David. We had so much in common and he’d been really nice to me. David had even, in a drunken confession, told me that it was a shame that I was obviously taken. Then Kase had gotten all possessive and that was it.
After that I shoved all the mementos into their box and pushed it into the very back of my wardrobe. I needed to get out for a while and went for a long ride on my bike. I was tempted to stop at a bar on the way home but did not want to face an inquisition when I returned.
God I was being an utter shit. Aya and Chloe were only concerned about me and were trying to make sure I was all right. I guess that is why I was trying so hard for their sake. But it felt too much like I was just going through the motions. I wanted to yell, scream and rip something apart. I wanted to tell them to quit watching me and leave me the hell alone. It was Free’s knowing stare that was the hardest to take. It was as if he could see right into my head and into the churning mess I was trying so hard to cover up. I swore if he was waiting for me when I pulled into the garage I was going to lose it… again.
The shop was closed when I got back and oddly enough the outside lights were not even on when I rode up. All I wanted was to get out of my damp clothes and into a hot shower. Inevitably it had started to drizzle on the way home. A t-shirt and jean jacket was not nearly enough protection from the chill and light rain. I still had not gotten around to replacing my beloved black leather jacket. It had been worn in perfectly and it had been my own fucking fault that it had gotten lost in the first place. Grateful to be out of the wind I pulled into the garage and parked my bike. I left my helmet on the seat and draped my gloves over the handle bars. My wet jacket I hung on a hook inside the laundry room door and went into the kitchen. That room was dark too except for the light on above the sink.
Where was everyone?
I heard muffled voices as I walked down the hallway. They were coming from the mostly closed door to the living room. Curious I stopped to listen when it was obvious they had not heard me come in. I got a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized they were talking about me. To make matters worse Mihirogi was in the room and was now privy to every embarrassing detail of my currently screwed up life. Fuck! I felt so freaking betrayed that I nearly burst into the room to defend myself. But self preservation kicked in and I knew it would only reinforce their belief that I was nuts if I rushed in shouting. I wanted to know what prompted this little gang up on Ken meeting in the first place. So I took a deep but quiet breath and continued to eavesdrop.
“So you are saying he is unfit to go on missions?” I listened to her smooth cultured voice as she grilled my team mates.
“Ken is unstable right now. I’m not sure we can trust him not to cause himself or others harm,” I shook my head at Free’s assessment. Damn it! I yell at his little obsession once and suddenly I’m untrustworthy?
“Wait isn’t that a little harsh? Ken is going through a tough time right now. He is getting better and I think he’s dealing with his problems. I know he won’t screw up something as important as a mission.” Now that surprised me, Chloe defending me to Free.
“We can’t risk it Chloe. What if he comes apart? Ken isn’t ready and I say we give him more time and make him opt out of this one.” Aya’s words left an aching hollow in my chest. To actually hear he didn’t trust me just about made me turn and leave. I wondered if he ever trusted me at all.
“Ken would never do anything to hurt us. I don’t want him to stay behind.” Leave it to Michel to be another of my staunch supporters.
“We need his skill on this one. The target will be difficult to get to and we have a large area to search. I say he goes too.” Yuki was so pragmatic about the whole thing. It kinda shocked me he hadn’t voted with Aya.
“So if that is how you all feel I will take all your concerns into consideration before making a decision.” Mihirogi needed to think about it? Ok now it was time to make an entrance. I had to stay calm and show them I could handle it.
I pushed the door open and entered the room. I got some surprised stares and Aya wouldn’t even look at me.
“So do I get a say in this or are you all just going to go on without me?” My voice was steady and cool but inside I was a seething wreck.
“Ken I’ve heard your team mates assessments of your mental state and I…” I cut her off mid sentence. I was getting steamed at their high handedness in judging me.
“Don’t you think I am the best one to decide if I’m fit or not? I won’t be left out like some emotional cripple who can’t handle a few traumas. I’ve been dealing with this shit all my life. I can do this. I can do my fucking job.” I was proud of myself that I didn’t yell and I glared back when Aya looked at me guiltily.
“Well if you are sure then. I’ll leave it up to you. It seems that the vote was in your favor regardless. The mission stats are in the folder on the coffee table.” Mihirogi stood up and smoothed the navy blazer of her impeccably tailored suit. She nodded to everyone and left the room.
The room was quiet as if they all were expecting me to blow up at them. Well far be it from me to disappoint my audience.
“Nice of you all to Fucking tell me we had a meeting! What were you going to come tell me after it was over? Send me to my room like a naughty child? God dammit I’ve been on missions when I was so messed up I could barely think straight and still I did my fucking job!” Aya reached out to place a hand on my shoulder and angrily I slapped it away.
Chloe gasped and as Aya’s eyes narrowed I knew I’d made yet another mistake with his touchy demeanor.
“How are you supposed to keep it together on a mission if you can’t even keep your temper now? Ken I’m not trying to pick on you but you need more time. You’re still not ready.” Despite his obvious annoyance at my tirade Aya remained much calmer than I was and it pissed me off.
“Well fuck you mister high and mighty Aya Fujimiya! God I can’t believe after all we’ve been through together that you still don’t trust me. I can do this! Whether you like it or not I’m going. Last time I heard almost everyone else wanted me on this one. I’m going to go and work out! I’ll read the damned report later!” I stormed out and left my rather stunned team mates behind.
Like a petulant child I stomped all the way up the steps and up to the third floor. Angrily I pulled off my wet shirt and flung it to the floor. I’d fucked up again and this time took it out on Aya. One of the two people I loved most in the world. I half expected to hear him following me to have it out once and for all. I needed to get the pain and frustration out so I wrapped my hands and stepped up to the heavy bag. I threw a punch and grunted with the impact. Then another and another until I’d built up a rhythm and sweat was running down my face.
Harder and harder I hit the bag until the sting in my hands was taking my mind off the gaping hole in my heart. I was gasping for air and still I didn’t quit. I needed the mindless repetitive action and the exhaustion that would follow. I didn’t even register anyone was behind me until one of my fists was grabbed before it could impact with the bag. I almost lashed out but reigned in my impulse at the last second.
“Ken stop I think you have quite beaten it into submission.” Chloe… it figured he’d be the one to come after me. I kinda expected Michel to come up here but then Free probably wouldn’t let him near the loony.
“What do you want Chloe?” I gasped as my chest heaved for air. Damn I was tired but I still felt on edge.
“You know I never thought I’d be the one to try and patch up your and Aya’s fight. I sort of figured it would be him trying to keep us from going at each other.” I tensed up as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.
“Then why are you? Did Aya send you up here?” I was being nasty but couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“Aya did not send me up here but you hurt him Ken. He’s in his room with the door locked and won’t even let me inside. You’ve got to stop pushing us away. One minute we’re fine and the next you’re freaking out on us.” Chloe held me tighter and it felt too intimate and very claustrophobic.
“Hurt him? God Dammit Chloe how do you think I feel to have found out he doesn’t even fucking trust me? Maybe never trusted me!” I shoved myself free of his embrace and began to pace.
“Ken that’s not what he meant and you know it! We’re worried about you and want what’s best. Aya does not want to see you hurt. I don’t want to see you hurting any more either. It’s tearing us apart!” Chloe stepped in front of me and it was either stop or push him out of the way.
“What about what I want? Did anybody think to ask? I won’t be fucking useless! I don’t have anything else! If I can’t go on missions what the hell am I supposed to do? It’s the only thing I’m good at after all.” I glared back at Chloe as his eyes went cold.
“I wish I could just beat some sense into you! You are not useless! Just because you might need to take a little time to get your head straight does not mean that we are ganging up on you. You are trying to cope but how well are you really doing?” I clenched my fists in the face of his tirade. Damn it why was he yelling at me? I was the injured party here.
“Do you want me to fight with you too? Is that it? I am tired of trying to figure out your moods! Is violence the only thing that will finally get through that thick skull of yours?” Chloe shoved me and I staggered backward. Truthfully I was a bit stunned that he had made the first move. I went back again as he pushed me until I was against the gym wall. Fine if hitting me was what he really wanted…
“Hit me! Yell at me I don’t care. Then just leave me alone. Go back downstairs to Aya.” All of the fight went out of me and I stood there looking at the floor. I didn’t want to argue with him. I didn’t want him to hate me too. I already had enough self loathing for both of us.
I was surprised again when I was pulled into a fierce hug and Chloe buried his face in my neck. He didn’t seem to care I was all sweaty.
“I don’t want to hurt you. You just make me crazy sometimes. I trust you Ken I really do but you have to give the others a chance to see that you are getting better. You are aren’t you? We all have our bad days and I’d like to think I was responsible for some of the good ones.” His voice was slightly muffled as Chloe was practically burrowing into me.
The way he was clinging to me made me feel like such a heel. My temper tantrum had shaken the foundations of a relationship that meant stability and love for him. Chloe soaked up affection like a sponge and hated any type of discord in his family. At times he was quite possibly needier that I was. I had forgotten how being so wrapped up in my own misery was affecting the two most important people in my life.
“I’m sorry. So… so sorry.” I clung back and we just stood there holding each other. It didn’t take away all my misery but I soaked in the comfort anyway.
Chloe tilted his head and kissed me lightly on the lips.
“You have to tell Aya that. He’s hurt and upset and we both need to think of him too.” Chloe was right. I had to go downstairs and try and make it right… well as right as I was able to.” I took a deep breath and tried to gather my courage.
“All right. God I made such a mess of things again. What can I say to him?” I was not looking forward to facing Aya at all.
“Just tell him you love him Ken. He has doubts too and even though he doesn’t show it. Aya’s afraid he won’t be able to help and that He’ll lose you too. Aya is not strong enough to go through that again.” Chloe was right again. I had to try and fix this.