Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 9
His question surprised me even though I wondered the same thing about them. I thought a moment and to decide if I truly did. I might not have been incredibly happy before Chloe barged into my life dragging Aya but it was a lot less complicated.
“I…I can’t say that being with you two has been easy.” I stopped and took a deep breath. “But no I don’t regret it. I truly love you Aya.” I saw the flash of hurt on Chloe’s face that I did not include him in my statement.
“Well I’ll just leave you two alone then.” I watched him start to get up. Oh jeez I’m really messing this up. Chloe was leaving so I reached out and grabbed his arm.
“Wait…you didn’t let me finish.” I tugged on that arm and Chloe sat back down then I scooted closer. I touched his face and marveled at the softness of his skin.
“You love Aya but how do you feel about me Ken. You've said you loved me too but is that just for Aya’s sake?” I could get lost in the intense blue of his eyes.
“I’ll admit when I first met you I thought you were a pompous, sanctimonious, prick. You seemed to take delight in teasing the hell out of me. It used to piss me off so much. I came so close to decking you Chloe. It’s a good thing I used to have some control over my temper.” I took his other hand in mine and stroked the backs with my thumbs.
“And now.” Chloe asked such a seemingly simple question but my feelings for him were anything but simple.
“Despite wanting to throttle you half the time when we first met I thought you were one of the most beautiful people I’d ever met. It made me feel so inadequate I guess. That’s one of the reasons your proposition scared the hell out of me. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. Strike that… I know I’m not good enough for either of you. Aya you are the other most beautiful person I’d ever met. God I was so jealous of the two of you. It seemed natural for you to be together. Then… then when you came to me in that greenhouse Chloe I guessed it was just for Aya’s sake.” Aya laid his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my waist. This needy insecure side of Aya kinda freaked me out a little. Had I made him this way?
“Well it was partially true Ken I won’t deny it. I used to tease you so much because you are truly gorgeous when angry. You’d go all feral and dominating. It used turn me on terribly and I’d have to go and jump Aya or embarrass myself right there. Aya confronted me about it and asked me why I didn’t just leave you alone or try and get along. I love Aya too and it made me feel guilty that I was so strongly attracted to someone else. Truthfully it made me angry too. I couldn’t resist baiting you though and when Aya found out I was sure I’d see the business end of his Katana.” Chloe chuckled and Aya sighed and rolled his eyes.
“Why does everyone think I’m going to go ballistic and run them through with my sword?” Aya groused as he played the long suffering martyr card to perfection.
“Um because we are all actually scared to death of you darling.” Chloe purred and batted his eyelashes at our lover.
“You’re insane. But then I’m one to talk. At least you don’t run off and start bar fights.” Sometimes I wondered if there was any sanity to be found anywhere in this motley crew.
“Anyway Ken dear we talked to each other and Aya confessed he had feelings for you too and had been hiding it. He feared he’d hurt me and I’d leave him. We were a right mess back then. Aya was all moody and depressed. I was perpetually horny and you were pissed off. Once Aya and I decided to approach you it was I that wanted to talk to you first. If Aya had come to you it would have made you feel guilty about him cheating on me. Honestly…that first kiss we shared you were so startled and freaked out. It was totally delicious and if you could have seen the look on your face. So yes my initial feelings were lust and the desire to see Aya happy. But if the attraction had not been there I would not have agreed to let you in. Not even for Aya’s sake.” Chloe gripped my hands and leaned in to brush his lips against mine.
“Ken you can see Chloe cares about you. He loved you once he really got to know you. Selling yourself short is a major failing you have. You are warm, loving, generous, and you protect the ones you care about fiercely. Yes you have a temper and yes you do boneheaded things at times. But that is all part of who you are. I care about you. I love you. Even all the dark places because I have them too. We all do and you don’t have to be alone. Let us help you though this crisis. Please Ken I can’t just sit idly by while you self destruct.” There was a hint of desperation in Aya’s voice and I could not ignore it.
“Chloe I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to give you the impression I don’t love you. It’s just…I don’t think that our feelings for each other are enough. I’m falling apart and I can’t drag you down with me. You’re better off without me. I’m fucking nuts, a real head case and I can’t deal with this. Just go before I beg you to stay.” Chloe’s earlier attempts to make me feel better seemed like a distant memory and all I felt was cold despite the arms of my lovers encircling me. I focused on the bed covers trying to blink away the tears blurring my eyes. I was an emotional wreck and ashamed of breaking down again in front of Aya and Chloe.
I gasped and looked up as my shoulders were grabbed and I was given a rough shaking.
“Damn it Ken I’m not leaving you! Quit trying to push us away! I’m tired of this noble shit. You don’t pull it off very well and don’t even think about lashing out and hoping I’ll get pissed off enough to leave anyway.” Aya’s grip was painful and his voice harsh. Rarely did he curse like that and only when he was very upset. This of course made me feel worse.
“I’m sorry. I…” Aya interrupted me with a glare.
“Ken we don’t want your apologies. We just want you to trust us. Let us take care of you. Please…You need help and I can’t lose you either.” Chloe’s soft voice and light touch on Aya’s arm made him release me from his bruising grip.
Usually it was Chloe flying off the handle and Aya was the calming influence. But the blond was the mediator this time since Aya and I could not seem to find a middle ground. He was our buffer so we didn’t say or do anything we would later regret. Did I trust Aya and Chloe to take care of me? To put my best interests first? I not sure if I really did. I decided to try.
“I trust you; I just don’t know what to do. I have all these memories and feelings inside and they won’t give me any peace. I used to be able to shove them away and burry them deep.” I was so tense that I was almost vibrating and I had a pounding headache at the base of my skull.
“You need to relax. How long has it been since you had a good night’s sleep?” Aya had regained his temper and now it was his soothing deep voice that was trying to calm me.
“You mean other than collapsing in a drunken stupor? It’s been about a week.” That was right about the time I started locking myself in my room alone at night. Unbeknownst to my lovers I’d used alcohol in the past to get me through some rough patches. I always kept a small stash in my room and had been careful to hide the slight hangovers from any overindulgence. I really didn’t need another lecture so I kept the information about my liquid sleeping aids to myself. In fact if they had left the room like I’d asked I probably would have drunk till I passed out. Just to get some peace.
“Here Ken Lie down on your stomach.” I resisted as Chloe started to push me forward. I really wasn’t in the mood to fuck anymore.
“I’m really not in the mood. Can’t we just stay here like this?” I stiffened under Chloe’s hands and didn’t lie down.
“Like what? Ken you are so tense it’s making me ache. You said you trusted us. So do as Chloe asks.” How could I refuse Aya’s command? There was more leader to Aya right now than lover.
Hell I owed them anyway. If they wanted to use me too I’d let them and feel guilty about it later. I sighed and stretched out on my stomach. I tensed when I heard the snap of a plastic cap. I might not be feeling very turned on but they could get me there eventually. Chloe knelt on the bed on my right and Aya on my left. I wondered what they were going to do and I jumped when I felt hands on my shoulder blades.
“Relax Ken this will help you feel good. Trust me.” Chloe whispered in my ear and I shivered.
I gasped in surprise as I felt their hands knead my taut skin. Thumbs dug in finding all the knots and I groaned as the first of them released. It was painful but felt so damned good at the same time. The scented oil they used made their fingers glide over my skin and one set of hands ran slowly down my spine while the other talented fingers pressed into my neck and massaged the base of my skull. I laid there with my eyes closed as I slowly melted into the mattress. God I missed this. Chloe and Aya’s touch and the intimacy it created. It scared me also. I didn’t know if I could take being laid bare in front of them. To be made so vulnerable when it was all I could do to keep myself from flying apart. Lips brushed the back of my neck and I flinched.
“Ken we won’t hurt you. Just lie there and let us be with you. This feels good doesn’t it?” My ear was traced with a finger tip and Aya’s mouth returned to my neck.
Chloe rubbed and dug into every tense spot in my lower back and his hands moved lower. I expected him to linger on my ass but he respected my unease and continued to massage my thighs working his way to my feet. It was silly to be so skittish. We’d had sex dozens of times in many different combinations. Sometimes our couplings were fast and furious and some languid and slow. But I couldn’t help how I felt and I was not sure I wanted this to go any further. Would Chloe and Aya let me tell them no? Would it hurt them too much if I refused what they were offering? Perhaps I was only punishing myself by denying this chance to reestablish our bond. Lately running away had been my best form of defense. My feelings and thoughts were so jumbled up and it made me inexplicably nervous.
My fists clenched in the sheets as Aya nibbled on that spot right beneath my ear that made me weak in the knees. He was being so gentle and not even indulging in the sharp little bites he liked to mark me with. Chloe was being remarkably restrained and was not even trying to touch me in any way I’d be uncomfortable with. In fact he was running his thumbs down the sole of one foot and I had to bite my lip to keep from voicing my appreciation of a very thorough foot rub. Aya’s fingers were sliding through my hair and after several minutes of this I was on the verge of dozing off.
“Turn over Ken.” It took my brain turned to mush a minute to process Aya’s request. The slightly panicky feeling returned as he asked me to expose myself.
“I’m ok really. I think I can sleep now. Thanks for the massage.” My voice sounded hesitant and unsure. I heard Aya sigh either in frustration or exasperation.
“Ken just do as I ask. Please. This is all for you and truthfully I need you. Chloe needs you. We want to touch you. You can’t hide from what you feel and you need to be reminded that you are capable of feeling more than just pain and anger.
Chloe was lightly stroking my legs as Aya’s hands rested on my shoulders. God I am such an idiot to be afraid. Another sign of my fucked up mind. I made a decision and did as Aya asked. I turned over lay there with my eyes still closed. Despite my reluctance and protests that I did not want sex my body said otherwise. My dick was pointing straight at my belly button and I was breathing rather fast. I couldn’t look at them though. I just lay there waiting for what would happen next.