Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 8
“Ken…when did you…” Aya just let the sentence trail off as if he still couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Even Chloe looked surprised to find out I’d slept with all of my former team.
Uncomfortable with my nakedness I grabbed a pillow from the bed and hugged it to my chest. I was not proud of the things I’d done in my past and left alone to fester inside me the dam had finally burst. Although they were not ready to hear all I’d done and I was not ready to tell them. The part with Yohji though…I would impart all the gory details. I did not even meet their eyes as I begun my tale of how I’d fallen prey to the blond’s charms.
“God, Aya… Yohji and I were the worst two Kritiker agents to send to Germany. Even though Yohji got the job done. He didn’t even wait for me to back him up before he confronted that woman on the rooftop. It almost cost Yohji his life. I always wondered if he hadn’t wished she’d actually killed him. Like some sort of fucked up penance for taking out that Schrient bitch Neu. He got too close to her and it tore him up. I wish to fucking hell that Kritiker hadn’t used him that way. Yohji was the most appealing to women so he got all the jobs involving seduction.”
Thinking about that time in our lives and what it did to one of my dearest friends made me want to grab the nearest bottle of alcohol and crawl right back in.
“I know Ken… But it’s what we had to do. Yohji knew that. We all did.” I couldn’t help it I glared at Aya for just accepting the situation.
“No it wasn’t alright…How can you fucking sit there and say it was? You dumped Yohji and I had to be the one to hold him together and keep him from pickling his brain with booze or getting stoned out of his mind. Damn it Aya I could barely take care of myself! We never should have been on active status!” Aya didn’t deserve to be yelled at…really. This shit was all in the past but I could not keep it there anymore.
“Ken stop. Aya did not mean to sound like it was alright. He had his own crosses to bear.” I included Chloe in my glare this time. He didn’t understand. How could he? I flinched when he reached out to try and touch my leg. I’m sure it was meant as a comforting gesture but right now I felt trapped.
“Ken I didn’t want to let Yohji go. He pushed me away. He was so wrapped up in his own pain that he wouldn’t let anyone in. I guess Yohji had something to prove to himself when he took that mission. He was acting like you are now. Please don’t shut me out. I can’t lose you too.” Aya looked at me with pain filled eyes and it hurt. I’d done this to him. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat and resisted the urge to fling myself in his arms. I needed to finish what I started. I hugged the pillow tighter to my chest and looked down at the bed.
“I had to watch him all the time. Did you know that? I didn’t dare put it in the reports I sent. Yohji didn’t mention my violent outbursts as well… we were afraid of what would happen to us. We just needed to get through this mission.”
I didn’t tell them that during that time I had precious little to do other than be Yohji’s back up so I did some hunting on my own. At least I confined my killing to street scum but that did not cover up the fact that it was murder. Vigilante justice not sanctioned by Kritiker. So while Yohji was trying to screw information out of his target I was knifing drug dealers and pimps. It would have been so easy to cross that line. Out of all of Schwarz Farfarello used to freak me out the worst. I guess it was because I could see a little bit of myself in him. Deep down inside I realized that it could have been me. I repressed and I denied until all of my dark thoughts spilled out and turned into more than just sick fantasies.
“Why didn’t you say something? We could have brought you home. We could have gotten the both of you help. Ken…If you’d only said something Yohji might have…”
So there it was at last. The blame for that whole mess. It’s what I’d been expecting.
“You think I don’t know that? What do you think they would have done to us Aya? Sent us to some nice posh spa for a relaxing vacation? Give me a fucking break! They would have locked us up and thrown away the key. Did you know Saijou wanted to leave me to rot in that prison psyche ward? Omi stood up to him and even though I had to stay there a while the old bastard conceded to getting me some help. If he had not been so feeble and sick at that point Omi would have had no say in the matter.”
Despite finding out that Omi had interceded on my behalf I still resented him for leaving me there.
“I had no idea… I’m so sorry Ken.” This time when Aya moved closer to me I pretended not to care. I let him place his hand on my shoulder.
“It’s not…It’s.” I had to stop and take a deep shuddery breath. “It’s not your fault. Sure I wanted to leave Kritiker and run far away. I see now that would have made things worse. You have to understand that Yohji and I were all each other had. We couldn’t confide in anyone else. After… after Yohji killed the bitch he was a total mess. The physical injuries were not nearly as bad as I reported. He needed the time to pull himself together. We both did. I had to watch him drink himself into a stupor every night and listen to him screaming as the nightmares became too much. I had to make sure he didn’t leave and find something stronger to fry his brain with.”
This conversation was like cutting myself with a razorblade. The old pain became sharp and almost unbearable.
“Ken you did the best you could. It’s amazing you both were able to come back and complete the mission at all.” Chloe stroked the side of my face and it was then I became aware of the dampness on his fingers. God, I was losing it.
“After four days of trying to dry him out Yohji snapped. He tried to leave the hotel room. I had to stop him and got punched for my efforts. I wrestled him away from the door and we fell back onto one of the beds. He kept yelling that he had to get out. That he was going nuts in here. I yelled back that there was no way in hell I was letting him leave. He stopped at that point and realized the position he was in. I was flat on my back under him breathing heavily. I was ready to hit him when he smiled. It scared the hell out of me. He said if I wouldn’t let him go then it was up to me to distract him.”
Just to prove how fucked up I was I felt a wash of heat at that memory. Back when we’d first met I’d had a crush on the blond. He was so far out of my league that I soon gave it up as a vague fantasy.
“Ken did he? Did he force you?” I had to laugh at Aya’s assumption. It was inappropriate and had the two of them looking at me rather alarmed. I just shook my head.
“Aya I could have killed him with my bare hands. He was still nursing cracked ribs and a basically banged up body. No…I let him fuck me. I even enjoyed it. It had been so damned long. I missed being close to someone. I spread my legs like some whore and let him use me. After… afterwards he just got off of me and collapsed on the other bed. Yohji wouldn’t even look at me or talk to me. The cum on my stomach was not even cold yet and he’d discarded me. I slunk off to the bathroom and took a boiling hot shower. When I got back out he was asleep. God I felt even more alone than before.”
Now maybe they’d see how incapable of having a relationship I was.
“I can’t believe Yohji would do that. He was not like that.” Aya tried to deny the hard truth I was trying to tell him.
“We were fucked up Aya. Yohji was not the man you remembered and neither was I. It didn’t end there though… I let him do it again. We spent a month in that hotel room and I let him use me whenever he wanted. I took a small amount of comfort in being close to him but he always pushed me away afterwards. I didn’t really want him either but it was all I had. It’s weird but it was almost as if we were exorcising our demons in each others bodies. At least that’s what we told ourselves. We both pulled ourselves together and were finally able to leave and join you. It was all a big fat lie. We’d just stuffed our anger, pain and grief deep down inside. Yohji and I were like time bombs. Ticking away until something set us off. You pretty much know the rest.”
I was all talked out and wanted to hide. I lowered my head to the pillow and hoped they’d go away.
I felt gentle hands in my hair and tried to shrug them off. Chloe and Aya were beside me touching me lightly stroking my arms and shoulders. They were trying to comfort me and it somewhat amazed me.
“How can you stand to touch me? I’m… I’m dirty. I’m not worth your time.” A hand cupped my chin and raised my head. I opened my eyes and stared into brilliant aquamarine. Chloe was looking intently at me.
“Is that why you freaked out so badly when I approached you in the green house? You were afraid of being used again?” He looked so concerned for me that it nearly broke my heart.
“Yes. I was so scared. I couldn’t go through being rejected. After we left that hotel room Yohji never mentioned it again. I tried to bring it up once. I guess I was just so lonely and Omi was being so cold to me. Yohji’s only words to me were that it never happened. Then he walked away. I swore I wouldn’t let someone get that close to me. I was better off being happy go lucky Ken. Everyone’s friend. I’d even sorta gotten used to being alone. That is until you dropped that bombshell on me.”
Aya brushed his knuckles across my wet cheeks and raised his hand to his lips.
“Do you regret being with us?” He said it so softly that I almost didn’t hear the words.