Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 7
It really did no good hiding up in the attic. The only thing I got was more depressed, a nose full of musty sofa and fucking cold. Still I didn’t want to go back downstairs after my brilliant display to Aya, Chloe, Michel and Free. The only person I hadn’t managed to alienate was Yuki. But given that he was a confidant of Michel’s the chibi probably told him to stay away from the crazy man.
I couldn’t remain up here all night. I was hungry and still did not feel well. Leave it to my stomach to be the reason I went back downstairs. My tantrum had solved nothing and I was afraid of what I might do next. I needed to get my head straight and soon. I uncurled from my huddled up position on the sofa and groaned as my cramped muscles screamed in protest. I levered myself to my feet and winced as they touched the icy floor. I shuffled to the stairs like a man three times my age. Every scar and old injury ached like a bitch as I grabbed the handrail and climbed down.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out where I’d been and yet no one had come looking for me. Not that I blamed them…my friends probably figured I’d be up for round two of dish out the abuse. I didn’t want to face the mess I’d made in my room either but I had no where else I really wanted to go. I would sneak down to the kitchen later for something to eat. I heard voices and stopped. Aya and Chloe were inside and I debated leaving. But damn it this was my room and I had every right to be there. I didn’t want a round of lectures on what an idiot I’d been lately. The door was opened slightly and I wondered what the hell they were doing in there. They were probably waiting to ambush me and I felt that anywhere was better than going inside my room at the moment. I should have known though that Aya and Chloe would have heard me... hello... assassins.
The door was pushed open wider and Chloe stood in the opening. He was wearing his usual silk pajama bottoms and a short robe both in scarlet red. His platinum hair framed his face and gracefully draped over one eye. I simply stared like a thief caught red handed. I truly didn’t know what to say. Apparently neither did Chloe because for once he was silent and looked back at me uncertainly. I could not look him in the eye for long as guilt over my actions and thoughts crept back in. I glanced over his shoulder at Aya and inhaled sharply. He was sitting on the floor sorting the mess of my personal belongings into neat piles. The broken glass from the mirror was also missing and judging by Aya’s bare feet they had cleaned up the mess till not a sliver remained. Aya was also dressed for bed in deep burgundy silk pajamas and his hair was braided and tied off with a bit of black ribbon. He looked up at me and sadly shook his head.
“Why Ken? You held onto these things for so long. Why destroy them now.” Aya didn’t shout. He didn’t accuse. He just whispered in a very distraught little voice that speared me right through the heart.
I wrapped my arms around myself and looked at the floor. Why did I tear up all my mementos? I was angry and thought that destroying the tangible bits of my past might make me feel better. It didn’t... big surprise there.
“I don’t know. I just wanted to... to I guess try and forget. To get rid of the reminders. Damn it I know it was stupid. I was pissed and needed to do something.” Chloe touched my shoulder and I flinched.
I watched Aya gracefully rise to his feet and walk over to me. I couldn’t meet his eyes and see the pity I knew would be there. Chloe stepped closer behind me and I would have slithered out of his embrace if Aya had not been right in front of me.
“Don’t push us away. Please. We need you. No... I need you Ken. It hurts to see you self destructing and there is not a damned thing I can do to stop it. Let me in... I want to share your pain.” What could I say to that plea from Aya? I knew I should back away. I did not want to drag him down to the dark place inside me. He still had plenty of demons and did not need mine as well.
“I want to help. You shouldn’t be alone right now and I can’t bear the thought of you torturing yourself. I’m worried that you’ll... that you might...” Chloe placed his arms around my waist and buried his face against my neck.
“That I’ll what? Kill myself?” I couldn’t help it but I laughed. My lovers looked at me alarmed and Aya grabbed my shoulders and rested his forehead to mine. All I could see was his prettily handsome face and intense violet eyes. “I’d thought about it but I’m too much of a fucking coward to do it.”
I’d been so selfish. At the mention that I had even contemplated it Aya and Chloe gripped me tighter as if afraid I’d disappear. Their scents enveloped me and my lovers warm breaths stirred the hair that lay against my neck. Despite wanting to hold onto my pain like some precious gift I could feel it receding. I couldn’t help it I melted into their arms and closed my eyes. I was so fucking tired... tired of everything. I just wanted to make it go away for a while.
“You can’t leave me like that Ken! I won’t let you!” Aya’s voice was tinged with desperation and it made me horribly guilty to have caused him pain. See what being with me did? It hurt those around me.
“Don’t you think we’d be devastated? Do you think that you mean so little to us? How can you be so selfish?” Chloe’s fingers dug into my arms and I welcomed the pain. I needed it to ground me.
“Ran, Chloe make the ache go away. Make me forget... at least for a little while.” I whispered as I kissed the hollow of Aya’s throat. I felt him swallow against my lips and his hand slid up into my hair.
I needed them and I didn’t give a damn if it fixed nothing. I wanted the oblivion of being thoroughly fucked. I felt Chloe’s hands slide under the hem of my T-shirt to trace the taut muscles of my back. The light scrape of his nails made me shiver. Aya grasped my hair and pulled. He looked deeply into my eyes and I’m sure he could see the wounded animal lurking there. Chloe placed a kiss on the back of my neck and stepped away. I wondered if they were going to refuse what I was asking for. That is until I heard my door shut and the click of the lock. I couldn’t hold the intense violet gaze of my lover. I looked away and presented my throat to Aya. It was a temptation he couldn’t resist and bit me lightly under the jaw. Aya knew all my weak points and exploited them tenderly. His tongue traced the shell of my ear and he took the lobe in his mouth and sucked. Aya’s hands splayed across my chest and flicked at my nipples through the fabric of my shirt. I figured Chloe was nearby watching. He really got off looking at Aya reduce me to an incoherent wreck. I could imagine my icy blond stroking himself through his pajama pants and hissing as the cool silk slid across heated skin. When it became too much Chloe would join us and I would bear the brunt of his pent up need.
There was a problem though. I didn’t want sweet, tender or caring lovemaking. I wanted to be used and overwhelmed. I wanted to be ravished and punished. I knew the bed was but a few steps directly behind me and I grabbed Aya’s shirt and tugged him backward. He gasped in surprise as he lost his balance and I landed on my back on the bed. Aya sprawled on top of me and after a moment he started to get up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and bucked my hips upward. He groaned as our groins met and the friction of the clothing that separated us rubbed sensitive flesh.
“Ran fuck me. I want you inside me now.” I trailed my fingers down his chest and into the waistband of his pants. I could feel that Aya was getting hard and gave him an experimental stroke. I wanted to be naked under him now.
“Wait I have to get the lube and I...Ah...Ken.” I gave him a squeeze as his cock twitched in my hand.
“I don’t care! Take me hard. Fuck me now.” I lowered my legs and slid the pajamas off his slender hips and gripped his ass with both hands.
I felt the bed dip and I turned my head. Chloe had shed his clothes and joined us. He tossed a tube onto the blanket next to my hip.
“I’m not going to hurt you Ken. Let me get undressed and let Chloe and I take care of you.” Aya did sit up this time and he removed his shirt then kicked the pajama bottoms to the floor.
I ripped my t-shirt off and slithered out of my sweat pants. I reached for Aya again determined to get my way.
“I don’t care! Use me! Fuck me! I don’t want gentle I just want to forget.” My voice held more than a tinge of desperation. I couldn’t take tenderness right now. I was afraid I’d come apart in their arms and not be able to pick up the pieces.
Aya’s eyes darkened and he pushed me to the bed. I’d made him angry and could hear Chloe’s confused questions as to why.
“I am not going to treat you like he did! God Damnit Ken I am not going to abuse you because you think you need to be punished! I Am Not Kase! I don’t get off on hurting you! That’s what this is all about isn’t it? He fucked you up and if he was here in front of me I swear I’d kill him again.” Aya glared down at me and I felt dirty and ashamed.
“You don’t understand! I NEED this. I can’t... I ...” What was I trying to say? That deep down I wanted them to hate me too? That if I let them use me Aya and Chloe would see what a loathsome creature I was. After all I was used to letting people use me.
“Ken make us understand. Tell us what is bothering you so much that you think you need to be treated roughly? We want to understand. Please.” Chloe brushed the hair out of my eyes and I batted his hand away.
“You want to understand? Fine! I’m no stranger to being used! I guess I’m too dirty for you to fuck huh? Just call me the slut of Weiss!” Another one of my filthy little secrets would come to light and then they really wouldn’t want anything to do with me. If they couldn’t give me what I needed then I’d drive them away.
“What are you talking about Ken? You told us you had not had many partners before us? Was that a lie?” Aya looked genuinely hurt. If there was one thing he could not tolerate it was a liar.
“Ken that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I was not exactly celibate before I met Aya. While I don’t like the fact that you might not have been honest I don’t make a habit of telling Aya about my previous partners.” I scooted out from under my red haired lover and retreated to the head of the bed.
“Well Aya hasn’t had every member of Weiss between his legs now has he?” I spat back at them bitterly.
Incredulity at my blurted confession gave way to open mouthed shock. If the situation had not been so pathetic it might have been funny.
“Yohji too?” Aya whispered in disbelief.