Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 6
Miserably I lay in bed feeling sick and completely ashamed of how I treated Aya tonight. Chloe was not too happy with me either and I got the feeling that I was going to have to tread on egg shells around them for a while. That is if I thought I deserved to have them back. I know I couldn’t spend the rest of my life moaning and feeling sorry for myself. Whether or not I deserved love was an old insecurity with me and one that I didn’t have the energy to cope right now.
I had no right to take out my anger and frustration on my lovers. They had only been trying to help. I really was touched that they had gone looking for me and their tender care, once they understood my drunken babbling, made me realize how much of a shit I’d been. Now they were undoubtedly together and better off without me. I could imagine that Chloe talked softly to Aya until he calmed down enough to unlock the door. We rarely ever ended up in Aya’s room because it was his haven. The one place he had to retreat to when he needed to be alone.
Truthfully I was not comfortable in there because it felt too much like I was intruding. Aya preferred neutral colors and traditional Japanese styling. It reminded him of home and he often chose to meditate on a cushion while incense burned on a low table. Tatami mats cover the floor and his furniture was lacquered in the deepest black. Behind the low bed was a carved three panel screen and two square chests sat on either side. A table in matching wood took up the space at the foot of the bed and a long low dresser was placed under the window. On the dresser sat a vase of fresh flowers that was replaced as soon as they started to wilt. The flower choice changed with the seasons or whatever caught his fancy. A higher table on the wall opposite the window held a silk painting of cherry blossoms and fanciful birds. The walls were painted medium beige and his bedding was a lush cinnamon brown. Other accents around the room were in various shades of red and brown all adding to the overall warmth of the room.
The only concession to western design was his sitting area. A red leather loveseat occupied the nook and was surrounded on three sides by bookcases. Opposite the sitting area was a shelf with his incense burner and a large cushion sat on the floor beneath. Also on the shelf was the only picture of his parents that I’d ever seen. I couldn’t even remember what my parents looked like. But that was not the point… The point was that once Chloe got invited inside he would talk to Aya. They would talk about me and how pitiful I’d become. Like I was some fucking charity case. Now I wished I had puked in his car. They’d stay curled up together in Aya’s bed and probably laugh at the wreck I’d made of myself tonight. Then Aya would take out his frustrations by screwing Chloe into the mattress. There was no room for me at all in that scenario. The thought of them without me made me sick and I hurried to the bathroom to lose what little I had left in my stomach.
This time there was no one to hold back my hair and tell me it was going to be alright. No one to place a soothing hand on my back and stay with me until the painful spasms stopped. No one to steer me back to bed and place a cool cloth on my forehead. Then most of all no one to hold me close while helpless tears trickled down my cheeks.
Twice more I had to bolt for the bathroom to rid my body of the last of the alcohol I’d swilled all afternoon. By the time dawn painted the sky a deep purple I was a weak, shivering, wrung out mess. My head pounded and my guts felt as if I’d swallowed acid. The vile taste in my mouth did not even bear thinking about as I tried to get some sleep. At least I was so bloody tired that my brain had ceased its useless meandering. It was blank and I let my eyes sag shut praying for oblivion.
It must have worked because the next thing I became aware of was the door to my room banging loudly against the wall. Reluctantly I opened my eyes and winced at the stabs of pain. I’d wished now that my curtains filtered out the harsh daylight instead of allowing my room to be so agonizingly bright. Through my bleary eyes I could make out the form of my morning visitor. I groaned… it was Michel and I really could not deal with him this morning.
“Ken! I’m glad you’re home. We were all so worried. Are you alright? Aya said you were sick. Do you need some medicine? How about some soup? Free always brings me chicken noodle when I’m sick. Want me to make you some? It’s only the canned stuff but it’s really good.” He plopped on the edge of the bed and the slight shift in the mattress made me dizzy.
“Go away.” It was all I could manage as I burrowed under the covers.
“What? Are you sure? I want to help. You’ve been so sad lately and I thought you could use some cheering up. Aya said not to bother you but I wanted to see you. I’ll listen if you want to talk” Aya said… Aya said… I was getting sick to death of hearing that.
Damn it Michel was only slightly less fucked up than I was and I did not need his fake cheerfulness. Especially this morning.
“I don’t give a rat’s ass what Aya said!” I flung back the covers and sat up and ignored my pounding head. God how can they all be so cheerful? Pretending that we didn’t kill for a living. At least I was suitably horrified about the thrill it gave me when we took one more piece of human filth off the streets.
“So get the fuck out and leave me alone! Why can’t you understand I just want to be left alone!” I shrieked at Michel and flung one of my pillows at his head. What the hell was wrong with me? I couldn’t help taking out my bad mood on him even though he’d done nothing wrong.
Michel was so surprised that he didn’t even duck. The pillow got him square in the face and he gasped in shock. I had to close my eyes against the incredibly hurt look on his face.
“I… I’m sorry. K...Ken please I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll leave.”
I risked a look when I felt him get up. Michel’s eyes swum with tears and he sniffled noisily. God now I felt like scum for making him cry.
I collapsed back onto the bed and pulled the covers over my head appalled at what I’d done.
It was not more than an hour later when I heard my door open again. I’d been lying in bed trying not to think and give my head a chance to stop pounding. I’d managed to swallow some aspirin and that helped a little. Good grief why couldn’t I be left alone? Someone had walked into my room and was standing by the bed. I wondered if they were enjoying the view. I risked a glance at my visitor. Oh Shit… It was Free and he looked pissed. Rarely did the man lose control of his emotions. Usually his face was a placid mask and you were left to wonder what was going on behind his pale grey eyes. I guess crawling under the bed was out of the question. What the hell had I done to make him mad? Oh… right… Michel. I’d made the chibi cry so the watchdog had come to take a piece out of my hide.
“Just get it over with Free. Yell at me for being an insensitive prick and then leave. Hit me if you like. I don’t give a shit.” It appeared my mouth had a death wish and had not informed my brain.
“What is wrong with you? Was it really necessary to take out your bad mood on Michel when he was only worried about you?” Free’s voice was deadly calm and I figured that if I said the wrong thing I might actually end up getting hit a few times.Free was immensely strong and I really did not want to feel his ire first hand.
“Look I just need to work some things out ok? I went out and had a few drinks. So what? Yeah I got into a bar fight too… big fucking deal! I didn’t mean to yell at Michel but he shouldn’t have come busting in here first thing in the morning.”
I’m in a bitchy mood. So sue me. Hangovers tend to do that to me.
“First thing in the morning? It is nearly one in the afternoon. You are out of control Ken. If you don’t get things sorted out soon bad things will happen. You will endanger yourself and the team. Do you want to be responsible for getting someone killed?” True to form Free cut right to the heart of the matter. Fuck! I’d totally lost track of time.
“Did your cards tell you that? What the hell did you see? Yeah I know I’m a fuck up but I just need some time that’s all. The last thing I want is to get someone…to get… damn it! Just get out! Leave me alone!” God that last thing I needed was to have one more death on my conscience.
“I’ll leave. But listen to me Ken. You take out your temper on Michel or get him hurt and I will take you apart. Do you understand me? Get some help Ken. Go to Aya and Chloe, talk to them. Before you self destruct. Whether you believe it or not losing you is the one thing that they could not bear. They love you and if you can’t see that then you are a bigger fool than I thought.”
What a mess… a death threat and advice on my love life all in one speech. Free stood there for a few moments and when I said nothing else he left the room slamming the door behind him.
Wearily I dragged myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror above the sink and winced. Bloodshot and sleep crusted brown eyes stared back at me. My cheek was bruised and my nose red. My hair was sticking out all over in random clumps and stubble covered my jaw. I looked horrible and needed to get the vile taste out of my mouth. I nearly gagged on my mint toothpaste and brushed quickly. My stomach was still doing flip flops and I really didn’t want to be sick again.
I debated for a moment whether or not to shave and decided I might as well. At least it would make me look less like a caveman.
I was really shaky by the time I’d finished and turned on the shower so I could get the stench off my body. I smelled of alcohol and sickness. Normally I would stand under the pulsating jets of water and let them ease the tension from my body. No amount of hot water would loosen the knots in my muscles. I wanted to get clean and then retreat back to my bed. I grabbed the body wash and squirted some into my hand. The shower filled with the aroma of sandalwood. I must have grabbed Aya’s by mistake and I bit my lip as memories of the intimate moments we shared in this very cubical came rushing in with that familiar scent.
I could almost see Aya and Chloe as their water beaded skin brushed against mine as we moved in tandem. They were always so careful with me and made sure they were attentive and considerate lovers. God I was such an idiot for pushing them away. But the damage had been done and I was so fucked up that I was bound to lash out at my lovers again. It was better for me to stay away and let them rekindle the relationship they’d had before I came into the picture. It was just better this way... I needed to be alone. Hell at least then I couldn’t hurt anyone else.
I was lightheaded by the time I rinsed my hair and leaned against the tiled wall for a moment after shutting off the water. I took a towel off the warming rack and stepped out. I really needed to eat something but there was no way I could face anyone. I went into the bedroom and pulled on some sweats and a t-shirt. Then I rummaged in the wardrobe for my stash of energy bars and trail mix. I grabbed a granola bar and forced myself to eat it. Miraculously it stayed down so I took two more and ate them as well. It seemed as though my stomach was settling down and to further speed the process I went to the newest addition to my room. It was a mini fridge concealed in a wooden cabinet. I figured the electrolytes in the sports drink would do me some good though the salty sweet taste of the fruit punch almost made me gag.
I’d satisfied my rumbling stomach and my parched mouth and wished I had something to satisfy my wounded spirit. I’d managed to alienate almost everyone in the house and it was only a matter of time before KR sent his secretary to have a chat with me. It was my greatest fear that I’d be locked up again. There was no way I’d ever let that happen again... no matter what. Mihirogi would let nothing endanger the team and at the very least I’d be put on inactive status. I did not want to contemplate the other alternatives. The thought of Aya and Chloe going out on missions without me to watch their back was hard to live with but I was no use to them in this condition.
Free was right I was likely to get one of them hurt or killed. I crawled back into bed and pulled the covers up under my chin. I closed my eyes and horrific scenarios played over and over in my head. Ones of me going berserk and laughing as I cut my target to ribbons. Or even worse losing it completely and hurting one of my team or running off leaving them without back up.
These were all things I’d been guilty of in the past and felt capable of doing again. More sleep was impossible so I got up and went back to my wardrobe. I pulled from the very back a beat up box and set it on the floor. I sat down and opened the flaps. Inside was the sum total of my life. This was a photo album, a scrap book and various medals and mementos. I picked up the scrap book and looked through its yellowed pages. It contained my life in J-league up until I got banned for throwing a game. There were even the newspaper accounts of the fall of their golden boy. I don’t know why I kept every story and accusatory article. I guess it’s what’s maintained my thirst for the truth. Then after it became a sad reminder of what I’d lost. There it was...my whole rise to fame and spectacular crash and burn. Fuck... why did I feel the need to stumble back down memory lane lately?
Without even thinking about what I was doing I tore a page out of the book. I looked at the article proclaiming me the star goalie, the golden child and one of the youngest professional players. I got some sort of grim satisfaction in ripping it to shreds. Then I began to mutilate the entire book. The floor around me became littered with the torn up remnants of my short lived career as an athlete. Not even the photo album was spared. My breathing grew more ragged with each picture I tore out.
It felt as if I was ripping my heart out of my chest. Team photos, publicity shots, pictures of the places I’d visited on away games. They were all in there...then I got to the one picture I was dreading the most. It had been taken by a team mate and it had Kase and I with our arms around each other’s shoulders and we were grinning like idiots. To think the man I‘d loved actually harbored a deep seated resentment for me. Enough of a one to set me up for a fall and eventually my own demise by fire. Still I couldn’t bear to tear it up. I looked at the photo and cursed myself for being a fool. One of the things I’d done and not told the others was to pay for a decent burial for Kase. After all I was the one that sent him to hell I should have to pay for it right? I just didn’t want Kase to end up cremated and his ashes placed in a pauper’s grave. He’d meant something to me once and I’d gone to Manx and begged her to see that he got a proper burial. Even though I never had the courage to visit his resting place I was assured that my wishes had been honored. The picture in my hand grew blurry and I cast it aside unable to look at his smiling face.
I also avoided all of the other shots with the two of us and I cast them aside as well. Then I got to the very last pages... the ones with the few candid shots of Weiss. Omi had gotten a camera the second year we were all together and there were a few pictures of us all. God we looked so young. Omi looked so happy and so much like the young man I’d fallen in love with after Kase’s betrayal. Was I even happy back then? I did not have an answer for that question. I mean we had our moments...there was laughter and more than our share of tears too. It was all too fucking painful right now. I flung the rest of the album away and it hit my dresser and broke the mirror above with a loud crash. Gee seven years bad luck...it seemed so fucking appropriate that I wanted to cry. Too late I already was. I needed to get out of the middle of the destruction I’d caused. I needed to hide... even from myself. I fled again, which is something I’d gotten really good at, and headed up stairs. I wanted to be where no one would find me for a while and chose the small cramped attic.
I collapsed onto an old sofa with a ripped cushion and a missing leg and hid my face behind my arms. It was very cold up here and I curled into a miserable shivering ball. I was better off up here where there was nothing for me to destroy or anyone to abuse.