Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 5
I looked into Chloe’s face after my blurted confession. I’d not meant to let that little gem from my past slip out like that. But then again I’d never been known for my tact. He appeared shocked and hurt all at the same time. Aya abruptly let go of my arm where he had been gripping it tightly enough to leave bruises. I didn’t turn to look at him and I could feel Aya’s anger and the disbelief. I slumped back down into the corner I was currently calling home and hid my face in my hands. I felt like crap and was only spreading the pain around. It was a sad truth but the vindictive side of me wanted to hurt others as well. Even the ones that I loved were not spared.
“What the hell are you talking about Ken? Who fucked you? How could you do this to us! You’ve been acting like a spoiled brat lately and I’m just about sick of it.” Ah there was the Chloe I used to know and loathe. I just can’t help bringing out the best in people.
“Are you trying to drive us away? Is that your game? What the hell are you hoping to accomplish by putting us through this?” Aya’s harsh voice cut through the fuzziness in my brain. Another reason not to drink…alcohol goes in and shameful confessions come out.
“Kase… It was Kase! Alright? He was the one I let fuck me!” Also my volume control was shot all to hell because I found myself yelling.
“Kase who is Kase?” Chloe yelled back and he sounded furious. He was a possessive lover and I was moments away from getting hauled to my feet to face his wrath. Aya was no less intimidating and I really didn’t want to piss him off even though I was trying my best to do just that.
“Chloe wait…just listen to me for a moment.” Aya pulled him out of the alcove and they talked quietly for a while. The rain had stopped but it had gotten colder with a brisk wind that chilled me to the bone.
When they returned Chloe still looked pissed but not so ready to take my head off.
“Ken we know you had a relationship with Kase in the past but…” I cut Aya off because I was determined to spill my guts about my oh so intelligent actions on that one mission.
“That mission when I found Kase was still alive… I went to see him to prove he had nothing to do with the Creeper Gang. I was so happy that at least one good thing from my time before Weiss survived. I just knew he couldn’t be part of that whole mess. He said he was innocent and I believed him. Kase said he was so happy to see me so I followed him back to his hotel room and let him fuck me. God I was such an idiot. He took me hard and it hurt like hell but it was a familiar pain. I welcomed that pain because it meant that a part of my former life was not dead. Then later…” I had to stop and take a deep breath as the memories I tried to block out with the booze reared their ugly head.
“It’s ok Ken you don’t have to say any more. I understand.” Aya’s soft voice made me angry. I didn’t want him to understand! I wanted him to see me as the weak cowardly person I really was. I shrank further back into the corner as he tried to touch me. Chloe crowded in from the other side and I felt the irrational need to flee. I couldn’t take their compassion and I didn’t want their pity either.
“I have to tell you all of it… then you’ll see. You’ll see what a… damn it! I just have to make you see. After I followed him to that ocean side mansion and confronted Kase, as he sat so casually in that patio chair, he mocked me. He made fun of my trusting nature. He laughed at my gullibility and he was proud of the fact that he hurt me and I let him do it. I just fucking laid there and let Kase hurt me. I was a pathetic idiot. Can’t you see that?” I clumsily got to my feet and shoved my way out onto the sidewalk.
I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to either ward off the cold or to keep from falling completely apart. “Can’t you see? I’m a fucked up mess. I ruin everything I touch.”
Aya and Chloe were at my side in an instant and I still couldn’t look at them. I tried to back away as they put their arms around me.
“Ken stop! Quit putting yourself down! We’ll help you get through this. You have to let us help.” I didn’t allow myself take any comfort from their touch. It was not something I deserved. I shivered and felt like either laughing hysterically at the joke my life had become or bursting out into tears. Manly of me huh?
“We need to get you back to the house and into a warm bed. By the look of your injuries and how drunk you appear to be tomorrow is not going to be fun.” Chloe gently kissed my bruised cheek and I just gave in. I was tired… so fucking tired.
“Come on Ken get into the car. Let’s go home.” I let myself be steered to the waiting car and Aya helped me into the front seat. I sat there docilely as he fastened the seatbelt.
“Ken where’s your bike? We need to get that back as well. Judging by this neighborhood it won’t be in the same spot come morning.” I tried to remember which direction the bar was in. It was hard to think and vaguely I pointed down a narrow side street.
I heard Chloe get in the back and I rested my head against the chilled window glass and closed my eyes. Aya started the car and pulled away from the curb. I dozed off again as the car heater slowly warmed me back up. I was still shivering and flinched when a hand touched my face.
“Is this the place Ken?” I sat up a bit, blinked a few times and looked out the window. Yup same dingy bar, same cracked and smoke hazed window.
“Yeah my bike’s around back… that is if it’s even still there.” I felt a momentary pang of loss at the thought of losing my motorcycle. But I couldn’t bring myself to really care. “It’s in the side parking lot.” Then I closed my eyes. I was beginning to feel really shitty again.
The car started moving and I assumed Aya drove into the lot. I heard Chloe’s relieved sigh as he spotted the Ducati right where I’d left it.
“Aya I’ll ride the bike back home and you take care of Ken.” Chloe leaned over the seat and kissed Aya deeply then nipped at the edge of my jaw before planting a noisy kiss there. “Don’t you dare barf in my car Ken. I’ll see you both at home.” He then got out and soon I could hear the sound of my Ducati starting up.
“Are you ok Ken?” Aya rested his hand on my shoulder and I just stayed curled up on the car seat.
“Yeah… Mmm… tired.” His hand remained there for a bit and I wondered what he wanted to say to me. Then it was gone and we were heading for home.
I could hear Aya hesitantly clear his voice. He wanted to talk some more and I really was in no mood to listen. I wanted to wallow in self pity for a while. I hunched down further in the seat hoping he’d ignore me. Aya had this overwhelming need to fix things though. You would not think it by looking at him but that was, perhaps, the biggest change in Aya since Weiss. It was brought about by loss, grief and him finally finding peace. I wish I could say the same thing about myself.
“Ken it’s not your fault. What happened on that mission I mean. You loved Kase and he betrayed you. Twice… you did what you had to do. You had no choice, none of us did.” So much for Aya staying out of it.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m tired and I just want to go home.” Truthfully I wanted to hide. I’d acted like a total idiot tonight and revisited that dark place deep inside me and almost killed a man in a stupid bar fight. I needed to try and sort things out.
“No! You are going to talk about it! Damn it Ken why are you avoiding us? You need help. These things that are making you withdraw from us need to be faced. You’re cracking under the strain and I don’t want to see you fall completely apart.” Gee now that was the understatement of the century. Aya blunt as always just rammed another spike in my cracked psyche. Too late…I’d fallen apart days ago.
“Just drop it Aya. Please.” I really felt lousy and Aya’s mother hen routine was getting old real quick.
“I can’t. You’re tearing us apart. For what? Because you won’t talk to us? Do you want to be alone? Is that what this is all about? Do you think we can’t handle the truth? We all have dark things inside us… things we’ve never told anyone. What could you have done that was any worse? Do you think you’ll disgust us? That we would abandon you because of it?” That was exactly what I was afraid of. Better to push them away before they found out what a loathsome creature I really was. A wave of nausea caused a burning sensation in my chest and a wash of hot saliva filled my mouth.
“Aya stop!”
“I’m not going to stop until I get some answers.” God I had about five seconds before I ruined the inside of Chloe’s car.
“Stop the car! Sick…please!” Finally understanding the situation the car came to a screeching halt and I barely remembered to unbuckle the belt before flinging open the door and noisily retching over the guardrail.
This was the fun part of drinking too much and every time I got to this stage I swore I’d never drink again. It’s funny how soon one forgets this inevitable result of overindulgence. God it felt like I was puking up my insides as I leaned heavily against the railing. Aya had gotten out of the car and put his hand on my back and rubbed in a soothing motion. The fact that he was beside me and not sitting in the car did comfort me. It was a feeling I desperately craved. After I was through depositing most of the alcohol and a few things I hoped weren’t my stomach and spleen into the bushes I sagged against the railing. I felt like shit. My gut ached, my throat burned and I had a foul taste in my mouth. The only up side to the situation was that I didn’t get any on myself.
“Are you alright now?” Aya had his arm around my shoulders and no doubt could feel me shivering. Partly from just trying to forcibly eject my insides and partly from being in damp clothing and freaking cold.
“No.” I really had nothing else to say.
“Are you finished being sick?” He was being so patient with me and I really didn’t deserve it. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Perhaps he was waiting for Chloe so they could double team me.
“Yeah just take me home so I can die in peace.” I groaned and stumbled back to the car. I heard Aya sigh and follow. Apparently he was not as calm as he appeared. I should give Aya credit though for not yelling. He took a moment to drape his coat around my shoulders which made me feel like an utter moron for being such an ass. But damn it I barely knew which way was up anymore. I just wanted to have my nervous break down in peace.
I got myself back inside and closed my eyes.
“Fasten your seatbelt Ken.” Jeez now he was telling me what to do. I suppose his faith in my ability to act rationally is seriously impaired. After all Aya wouldn’t want me to fling myself out of the car onto the freeway now would he? I did as I was told and returned to my slump in the seat.
“Ken we really need to talk when we get home. I...” Aya spoke so quietly that I barely heard him.
“Aya please can you just leave me alone? I feel like crap and don’t want to talk about it.” I pulled the coat tighter around me and inhaled the spicy scent of my lover’s cologne. It made me wonder how things had gone so wrong.
Aya and Chloe were still there for me but I felt that I could not be there for them. I hadn’t said I love you to them in weeks. I couldn’t help thinking that at least they had each other. That they’d be better off without a wreck of a lover to hold them back. It was a vicious circular argument but it was foremost in my mind as the car ride back stretched on and on.
When the car pulled into the garage and stopped I was more than ready to flee the uncomfortable silence. I didn’t even wait for Aya as I got out and went into the darkened shop. Before I could be stopped I retreated to my room and then into the bathroom. I locked the door and sat down. The odds of me being left in peace were nil but I hoped my lovers would get the message. I stripped and got into the shower. I sighed as the hot water finally warmed my aching body. It did nothing to soothe my troubled mind but that was nothing new. I hid in the bathroom as long as I dared before tucking a towel around my waist and opening the door. My head was pounding and I wanted to fall face first into my bed and make the world go away for a while.
Sure enough Aya was sitting on the bed waiting for me. Chloe was conspicuously absent and I did not blame him at all. I’d be absent too if I could manage it. Why did I feel like I was about to be grilled? I just wanted to get some sleep damnit not face all my demons. I knew that look on Aya’s face. It was grim determination and I was not ready to talk. I still had enough alcohol in my system to make my mouth act independently of my brain and I’d given away enough secrets. I went to the dresser and slipped on an old pair of faded sweat pants and flopped face down on the bed.
“Ken talk to me please.” Aya ran his hand up and down my back and I laid there and enjoyed his touch. I’d missed it and wished I could simply roll over and wrap myself around him.
“Not tonight Aya can’t we just forget how stupid I was? I just want to sleep.” I groaned as the stroking hands turned in to a massage. Did I mention my red haired lover had very talented hands?
“Ken it’s not just what happened tonight. You’ve been withdrawing for a few weeks and I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You push us away and it’s getting so frustrating. What do you want me to do?” Aya laid his head on my shoulder and I felt trapped.
“I just need to work some stuff out. That last mission brought up some things I need to deal with.” I sat up and rolled away from Aya’s touch.
“Well you aren’t dealing with it. You’re avoiding everyone, isolating yourself and acting like an idiot. You need to get past this. To get over what ever is bothering you.” Aya was starting to get angry with my attitude. Well so was I and his words pissed me off.
“Get over it? You’re telling me to fucking get over it? That’s rich! Like you got over the death of your parents and your sister’s coma? God Aya you let those events totally fuck up your life. You jeopardized missions to get your revenge and nearly killed us all doing it. Then when things fell apart you took off on your own and abandoned us. How is that getting over it? Now you want me to just shrug off everything and return to the simple bumbling idiot you claim to have feelings for. Don’t you see? I can’t get over it!” I was yelling and hurtful words were spewing out of my mouth.
Aya clenched his fists and stood up. His face was totally emotionless and his eyes bore into mine. I’d seen that look, usually right before he gutted one of his targets.
“How dare you! If you are so hell bent on being alone to wallow in your misery then fine! You apparently think so little of my feelings for you that you are purposely trying to hurt me. Well congratulations you have what you wanted!” Aya turned and stalked out of the room slamming the door after him.
I burrowed under the covers with a pounding headache and queasy stomach wallowing just like I was accused of doing. I tried to sleep but my inner voice was screaming me. It was telling me to go after Aya and beg his forgiveness because he was one of the two best things in my life right now. I groaned and grabbed my head when the door was flung open and hit the wall with a loud thump.
What the fuck did you do to Aya? He’s in his room and won’t talk to me. Isn’t it bad enough that you are hurting and miserable? Do you have to hurt us too? Damn it Ken what the hell is wrong with you? Answer me!” I deserved this anger, finally I was getting the reaction me self destructive side had been wanting.
“I can’t Chloe. I just can’t anymore. Go away. Go back to Aya. That’s what you want right? To have him all to yourself again.” It seemed I had no control over my mouth and now alienated my other lover.
“When and if you come to your senses we’ll be waiting. You need help and it seems we are not able to give you what you need. You want to be left alone? Fine then.” His exit was not as loud as Aya’s but left me feeling just as empty.
I got exactly what I wanted... to be alone with my demons.