Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 4
I started to shiver and as the high from the fight started to wear off I realized my favorite black leather jacket had been left behind in the bar. Fuck! I’d just got it to the point where it was perfectly broken in too. I knew it was gone but the thought of Weasel wearing it pissed me the hell off. That seemed to be my normal state of mind lately… depressed or pissed off or any combination of the two. I also hurt and felt faintly light headed and sick. I’d drank way too much tonight and the fight had not been nearly enough to work it out of my system. The heavens seemed to echo my mood and it began to pour. I looked around for some kind of meager shelter and saw a darkened shop doorway with a deep awning. I staggered to the front of the store and collapsed back in the corner. I was still cold, sore, heartsick and tired. But at least it was not raining on me anymore. I drew my knees up, rested my forehead on them and wondered how I was going to explain this latest debacle to Aya and Chloe.
My head felt stuffed full of cotton and I found that the oddly disconnected effect from the alcohol was actually kind of pleasant. I shifted a bit on the chilly concrete and something poked me in the thigh. I fished it out of my pocket and looked at my cell phone. Then it hit me…I needed to make amends. I opened the phone and stared stupidly at the screen for a few minutes before remembering I had the number I was wanting already programmed in. I held my breath as it rang.
“Hello? Is anyone there? Ken is that you?” A heartbreakingly familiar voice answered that was once bright and cheerful and the center of my universe. Now it was serious and deeper then I remembered.
“O… Omi? I wanted to call and tell you… M’sorry, sorry I fucked everything up.” My thoughts today had focused for a long time on him and hearing Omi’s voice and me begging forgiveness was a kind of penance.
“Ken? What are you talking about? Sorry? Has something happened?” He sounded a bit alarmed and I guess that was my fault too.
“I fucked up your life. You never should’ve loved me. I ruin everything I touch. You were right to dump me and leave.” My words were slurring together and my chest hurt.
“Ken you did not ruin anything. God… how can you even think that? We went through a lot together and it just didn’t work out. If anyone is to blame it’s me. I’m the one who walked away. I saw how messed up you were yet did nothing to help.” Omi sighed and sounded truly regretful.
“I don’t blame you I would have left me too. I just… just… I’m so fucked up. I don’t know what to do.” It was hard to breathe around the huge lump in my throat.
“What brought this on? Ken tell me what’s wrong. Have you been drinking? Where is Aya?” It was a mistake to have called him. It was wrong of me to drag him into my problems.
“Yeah… I left today and went to a shit hole of a bar. Got really drunk and tried to kill a guy.” A laugh escaped my lips that had absolutely no humor in it. “Just like old times.”
“Ken listen to me. Tell me where you are. I’ll call Aya and he can come get you.” Now I upset Omi and felt even worse if that was possible.
“Sorry… this was a mistake. I gotta go. I’m just so freaking sorry.” Before Omi’s protests could get too loud I ended the call. The wind had picked up and I scooted as far back into the alcove as I could.
Predictably the phone rang a few minutes later. I peered blearily at the number and it was Omi. I ignored the annoyingly cheerful ring tone till it quit then I leaned back against the building and closed my eyes. It was hard to believe how quickly things could go so wrong. I spent so much time looking after everyone else that I forgot to take care of myself. I was used to bottling things up or burying them deep inside. Don’t get me wrong the therapy I’d gotten several years ago had helped but I wondered if coping and denying were all I managed to accomplish. I felt as lost as I did back then and it was hard to let anyone in. At least deep down inside where the worst of the demons dwelt. I never even confessed some of the things I’d done. They were too shameful and I could not take the disgust that would follow if anyone knew.
The phone rang again and I didn’t even glance at the screen. I just turned the damned thing off and huddled in my little corner and pretended that the rest of the world did not exist.
I must have dozed off despite being fucking freezing. I could barely find the energy to lift my head as a car cruised slowly down the block. I watched it go past then turn around and come back. Squinting into the darkness I recognized its familiar shape and silver color. Chloe’s car…shit! I’d forgotten all about the tracer in the phone. I groaned and tried my best to sink into the alcove. My pitiful attempt to hide worked so spectacularly that the car stopped right at the closed storefront and two people got out. A blond and a red head. I really did not want to face them now and as Aya got closer the glare from the headlights illuminated his scowling face. He stopped in front of me and I actually cringed. Chloe was an unwelcoming shadow at his side.
“Ken where the hell have you been? Omi called and said you’d been drinking? He was frantic. He said you called him almost incoherent and blaming yourself for everything.” Aya’s harsh voice caused the lump in my throat to return. I hunched up and bowed my head.
“Just leave me alone. Yeah I’m fucked up. Yeah I got in a fight. I just can’t… I can’t…” I felt as if I were going to hyperventilate which did not help my lightheadedness.
I felt two hands on my shoulders as they crouched down next to me. I heard a heavy sigh and a hand cupped my chin and raised my head. To my mortification tears filled my eyes and I tried to lower my head again.
“Ken I’m not mad… well I am but not for the reasons you think. We were worried about you. You’d been gone all day and Chloe said to leave you be. It started to get dark and we were worried. Then Omi called and said we needed to find you. What happened? Why did you leave?” His soft voice and obvious concern only made me feel worse.
“I just lost it. I had to get away for a while. I needed to get a drink and be alone.” I still wasn’t ready to talk about what was bothering me. Stupid I know but I’d held it in so long.
A gentle hand stroked my wet hair and lingered on my cheek.
“Why can’t you talk to us Ken? Tell us what is bothering you. We’ll help you get it all sorted out. We love you.” Chloe’s worry was my undoing. It sneaked past my defenses and a small evil part of me wanted to drive him away too. If they only knew… then Aya and Chloe would abandon me too.
My booze soaked brain recalled one of my shameful secrets and flung it out for the both of them to hear.
“I let him fuck me. I… I didn’t want to. It just happened and I let him. I let him back in and he fucked me.” Chloe frowned and let go of me in shock. Aya was no less stunned but did not take his hand off my arm. His fingers dug in at my blurted confession.