Pain of Memory
by Aimless
Chapter 2
You see what made me flee the house… the thing I couldn’t face right now was the anniversary of Kase’s death. I didn’t need anyone’s pity least of all Aya or Chloe’s. I needed to be alone to grieve in my own way. I didn’t need anyone telling me that Kase betrayed me. That he deserved what he got and that I shouldn’t waste my time mourning his death. I killed him. I killed the first real friend I’d ever had. The boy who I grew up with, the teen I shared my innermost secrets with. The person I told my hopes and dreams to and the man who’d taken my virginity. Yeah my first experience with sex was with a guy. So what? I liked girls too but with Kase it was inevitable. We were so close and after our first spectacular win once we’d made the major leagues there had been a party afterward. I’d had too much beer and Kase was not too far behind me in the number of cans we’d consumed. Laughing and pushing each other we’d staggered into the deserted locker room.
I stumbled into the lockers and Kase’s arms came up to steady me. Then his lips were on mine and I was too surprised to push him away. It was new and scary and exciting. He took control of the situation and of me. Before I knew what was going on I was half naked and Kase was on his knees in front of me. The first touch of his lips on my cock and I was lost. It felt so damned good… at least for a little while. I came embarrassingly fast and was then dragged into the storage room. He fucked me there on my hands and knees. His shorts were around his ankles as he thrust himself into my body. I was not prepared for that and it hurt. Spit was not nearly enough lubrication and his burning intrusion tore me up a bit. Still Kase did not slow his frantic thrusting and I grit my teeth to keep from screaming.
Afterward while I lay on my side gasping he held me close and apologized profusely. He said he never meant to take me like that. Kase explained he’d been too drunk to realize he was going too fast for me, that he hurt me. I was freaking sore and a bit alarmed at the blood between my legs. He helped me up and I hobbled into the showers. We both stood there under the warm spray and washed each other as we kissed. It was ok again and I knew he did not mean to hurt me. I felt loved and wanted. That is until our second time together. It was just as rough as the first and as I tried to push him off me Kase retreated and said that I didn’t care about him at all. That I hated him just like everyone else he’d ever loved. I was so afraid he’d leave me that I let Kase take me again. He liked it rough and over the course of a year I even got used to the brutality. Every time I protested even a little Kase brought out the guilt trip and I fell for it like a true sucker. It was the only sex I’d ever known and I thought this was how it was between two guys.
Then that horrible day where my life changed forever. Kase had given me that bottle of drugged sports drink and the rest of the game was a complete blur. We’d lost the most important game of the season all because of me. I was jeered as I was helped off the field. My fans had turned on me and it was crushingly painful. Then the accusations started and I was suspended from the league pending an investigation. I was blamed for throwing the game and a lot of money was found in my bank account. I swore it was not a bribe, that I had no idea where the money had come from. No one would listen I was not brought up on charges since it was better to ban their golden boy from the game then to continue to fuel the media frenzy. Everything was gone and I had nothing. My savings had been seized and contracts severed. I was even evicted from my apartment. Everyone hated me. It was awful and I was desperate to clear my name. I was frantic to get back everything I had lost including my dreams.
Kase took me in. He stood by me and vowed to help me. I trusted him and blithely went along with all of his suggestions. One night he came home excited. Kase said he finally had a lead on who framed me. They had agreed to meet us at a warehouse that night and would provide proof for a price. It was the vindication I’d been looking for. I would get my life back. Kase had laughed as I hugged him and tackled him to the bed. That afternoon was the first time Kase had been somewhat less rough. Afterward as we lay in each other’s arms he’d even said he’d loved me. It looked like my life was almost mine again.
Then, typical of my bad luck, it all fell apart again. We went to the warehouse and were betrayed by the men we were supposed to meet. I watched as Kase was dragged away and I was left to die in that burning building. The flames crept closer and it was nearly impossible to breathe. I struggled to move but the beating I’d taken had left me helpless. The pain had been excruciating and as I passed out my only thoughts had been for Kase.
I’d woken up in the hospital burned, weak and heartsick. I could scarcely think past my own pain and lay there not wanting to respond to the world at all. I just wanted to die. Then they came.... Kritiker asked me if I wanted revenge. To make those that killed Kase pay and all others like them. Those that thought themselves above the law. I had nothing else to live for and Kritiker was offering me a second chance. I barely had time to heal before I was whisked away. The training I’d gotten was intense and it was determined I was best suited for close combat. Through it all I was numb and could have cared less that I was being trained as a killer. Dead to the rest of the world with no hope of returning to the game I loved and to a normal life.
I was tested and deemed acceptable. I’d completed my first mission and taken a life. The target’s blood splashed on me as I sank my claws into his chest. He grabbed my jacket and I watched the light of life leave his eyes. I didn’t lose it until I was back in the room of the house I was staying in while I was trained. I barely made it into the bathroom before I’d lost all the food I’d eaten that day. Then I got into a painfully hot shower and scrubbed my skin raw. I shed plenty of tears under the stinging shower spray. I was not saddened so much for the scum of a target I’d killed but for all I’d lost.
Then two months later I met Omi...
I couldn’t believe the blond teen with the bright blue eyes was an assassin. He was younger than me and the leader of the team they were assembling to be called Weiss. I felt so adrift when I first arrived at the shop that was my new home. A flower shop... a fucking florist. I knew nothing about flowers. Omi was so patient with me and his warmth and light was addicting. He helped me to find joy in life again despite our true job. To rid the world of the evil Persia decided was unfit to exist. Then Yohji showed up. He was another of Kritiker’s sacrificial lambs. He was the oldest of us all and so jaded already by the tragedies he’d been dealt. Despite all that I found myself drawn to him as well. He was so irreverent and laid back with a truly wicked streak. The three of us continued to carry out missions for nearly a year before the final member of Weiss was dropped into our laps. He was a Kritiker agent who decided that he needed his revenge more than carrying out missions for his masters.
He even stumbled into the midst of one of our hits and I almost gutted him as a witness. Weiss was his last chance before Kritiker put him down as a rogue. Aya Fujimiya was an enigma to me and I really disliked him on sight. He was such a cold bastard and didn’t seem interested in being a team player. That first day he showed up at the shop and acted so freaking superior to us all made my blood boil. I kicked his ass and got yelled at by Omi for trashing the place. Even after that things did not improve much... Aya continued to be a total ass. We were simply tools for him to use for revenge. Our lives were so fucked up and we hardly knew how to function as a team as the months progressed. Reiji Takatori was intent on taking over Japan. Aya was consumed by revenge and a threat to our safety.
Then to my shock Kase came back into my life. It was my worst nightmare come true. He was a target and I was sure it was some kind of horrible mistake. I had to see him. Kase was alive and it had to be some huge error that he was messed up with the creeper gang. So against orders I confronted my oldest friend and first lover. Kase said he’d missed me and thought I’d been dead. He hugged me and I sank into his arms. I realized that I missed this so fucking much. Being this close to someone and being held like this. There was no way Kase was involved in anything illegal... at least willingly.
Despite what Manx told me I was still stubbornly insisting Kase was innocent. Even after I’d nearly been killed I still didn’t put the pieces together. I went to my old lover one last time to beg him to walk away from our true target. For some reason I wore my mission outfit that day. I guess it was habit and that is what saved my life. The bullet proof vest stopped the bullets Kase fired at me. The impact hurt like a bitch but the pain of betrayal made me think I was dying. It had all been a fucking set up from the start. My so called friend had been paid to drug me and then I was framed to take the fall for throwing the game. I was supposed to have died in that warehouse and Kase would have let me without a backward glance. Plus he was all set up to use me again. He would become head of the creeper gang and I would be left holding the bag again. I was such a fucking idiot.
I had to confront Kase by myself. I’d screwed up badly and needed to make it right. The bastard shot me again. This time it missed my vest and the burning pain in my shoulder was a hell of a wakeup call and I knew what I had to do. Kase was unrepentant and despite his begging tears every word that fell from his lips was a lie. It broke my heart to take his life. I had killed off the remainder of my past. I truly believed what I’d said at the time. I was in hell... a hell of my own personal making.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I took off on my bike. I never expected to meet anyone and it was a total surprise that the person who I raced with that day was a woman. I shouldn’t have gotten close to her but she made me forget the shit hole my life had become. Her cheerful personality and joy in life was infectious. I sought out her company even though it was not the wisest thing to do at the time.
I even slept with her... it was such a damned relief to be with someone that knew nothing about me and what I did for a living. She was the first and only woman I’d ever been with. It was kind of humorous and Yuriko was willing to let me fumble my way through. She thought I was a virgin and I guess I was in that respect. The memory of that night was one of the bright spots in my life and was responsible for the goofy grin on my face the next day. But it seemed I was still fate’s bitch and Yuriko was hooked on the very poison that we were told by Persia to stop. The sports drink called Freud which was nothing more that an experiment in biological warfare. She asked me to go to Australia with her and for a brief moment I considered it but I knew deep down Kritiker would never let me go. I didn’t need Yohji to tell me I had no right to love and a normal life. I was a killer, a dog of Kritiker and my life was not my own.
Sunk in misery it was Omi that coaxed me back out of my room. Video games, playing ball in the park and going out to the movies. He made sure I was never alone too long. Omi even sat with me night after night when I could not stand going to my room to face the nightmares. More than once I woke up on the couch in the blond’s arms. Truthfully it freaked me out a bit and I was so worried that Omi would get tired of babysitting me.
He didn’t though and it made me kinda sad when Ouka finally got his attention. It seemed to me that Omi was not too thrilled with her advances but he still spent time with her. Time not spent with me. I looked at the situation now and realized I was jealous. One afternoon we’d all been teasing Omi mercilessly about his new girl friend. He stammered and blushed furiously then went to do deliveries. Later that night after Aya and Yohji went to bed.
Bed...heh. They went to go fuck their brains out. They thought Omi and I didn’t know. It was pretty obvious since Yohji’s room was right next door to mine. We found out one night as Omi and I were playing Mortal Combat we could hear them quite clearly through the wall. I turned bright red and about died. Omi just giggled and wanted to listen. I dragged him from the room and we went for ice cream. He was such a little hentai and I wondered if Yohji’s teasing about Omi surfing the net for porn actually had a grain of truth.
Anyway after we were alone and in front of the TV Omi curled up next to me to watch a movie. In the flickering light from the TV the blond laid his head on my chest and his arm crept around my waist. I looked down at him a bit stunned. Omi looked up at me and asked if it was all right. I realized that it was alright. It felt safe and comfortable. We snuggled on the couch for the entire movie and as the credits rolled it seemed the most natural thing in the world for me to tip his head up and kiss him. We both froze at that first innocent touch of our lips. I was afraid I’d blown it again. That I’d misinterpreted the signals Omi was sending me. He smiled and reached out and placed his hands on my shoulders. I didn’t know what to expect and still figured he’d turn me down gently. That could have been farther from the truth. Omi admitted that he’d liked me for a while and wanted to wait until I was ready before approaching me. I was floored... call me dense but I didn’t have a clue he was interested in me. I thought Ouka was his girlfriend. I told him so and Omi laughed. He liked her as a very close friend but he really wasn’t interested. Then much to my surprise he climbed in to my lap and told me I was the only one he was interested in.
What followed was a very intense make out session. I was stunned by Omi’s enthusiasm and now had proof how hentai he really was. Not that we did much more then some heavy groping but god it felt so good. It was comforting to be so close to someone again. We shared our bodies with each other and it was then I learned what true intimacy was like. I realized that what I had with Kase was just possessiveness and domination. My night with Yuriko had been nice but did not generate the passion and fierce longing that I felt for Omi. It was good for a while but as with all good things that had to come to an end.
After the death of that megalomaniac Takatori Kritiker went to hell and we all went our separate ways. I was actually happy for a while and thought I could leave that life behind me. Then the bitches from Schrient showed back up, kidnapped Aya’s sister and pulled us once again into Kritiker’s clutches.
God when did this become a slide show in my head of this is your life? The bar noises filtered back in and I really had no idea how long I’d been sitting there drinking. My glass was empty again and the bar considerably more crowded. Gee anyone could have stabbed me in the back and I’d never have noticed. Great assassin’s reflexes Ken. I felt decidedly disconnected to everything and very fuzzy. I guess half a bottle of vodka was bound to do that. I filled my glass again and sank my head into my hands. I stared at the cheap, stained table top and wondered what the fuck gave me the right to anything good in my life. I’d just mess it up just like I’d done everything else.