More Than Words Can Say
by Kika
I’m watching him now, as he looks back at me through those heavily lidded eyes. This is my favorite time of the night – when he’s too sleepy to talk or move around much, but he is struggling to stay awake anyway.
The flush on his cheeks is the only evidence left of our earlier activities (hey, so I’m a neat freak – I’m grumpy enough in the mornings already; waking up sticky only perpetuates the problem). He looks almost like he does right after he comes off the stage after a concert; flushed and happy, though I can proudly say he seems much more satisfied now than he ever has after a concert. I’d never admit it out loud, but I’m pleased that only I can put that satiated look in his eyes.
He’s getting closer to sleep now. . . his lips are slightly parted, his breathing growing more even. His eyes are still cracked open, though – that is the last concession he will make to the pull of sleep. We do this every night, in the silence that follows whatever activity we choose to partake in before sleep, whether that be lovemaking or arguing. We lie here in these moments before the weight of dreams finally pull close our eyelids and we look at each other, as in soaking in the sight of each other before we must close our eyes and be deprived of the sight for however many hours of sleep we are able to get before we must face the horror that is morning.
But that is such a silly, sentimental way to put it! Really, I’m only looking at a handsome face before I go to sleep. And there’s no denying that it is indeed a beautiful face; it is one of many reasons that my lover is so famous. Does it make me vain that most of the time I would rather look at him than speak to him? But then again, that is typical for me. I’m not much of one for words; spoken words, anyway. I’d rather let my actions speak for me.
I know Shuichi relies more on words than I do, and I’ve tried to work on that, but it is difficult for me. Besides, he knows how I feel about him. I have shown it in a million practical ways that the words ‘I love you’ could never do. The fact that I allowed him to move in with me, the fact that he sleeps in my bed every night, the fact that I attend his concerts whenever I can, no matter how many times I have seen the show. I have even altered my will so that if anything should happen to me, he will be well provided for. I know that given his own status, he would likely not need the help anyway, but I changed it for my own peace of mind if nothing else.
Yes, he knows I love him, even if I don’t tell him as much as he would have me do. And he knows I find him beautiful; my actions express that in ways words never could. I never realized until him how petty the characters in my own romance novels are; always seeking to express their feelings in words. Words are such unreliable means of conveying feelings that run so much deeper than words can explain. I’ve never explained my thoughts about this to Shuichi, but I think he understands. For all that he can be idiotic and dense, he also has an intuitiveness about him that can be uncanny at times.
There – now he has finally given in to sleep. He is beautiful in sleep, totally relaxed, completely trusting as he lies in my arms. His face is a picture of absolute repose; every muscle relaxed, his normally expressive eyes shut against all thoughts and worries. When he is awake, his eyes are the most expressive I’ve seen on anyone. You can see every thought that flits through his mind in those eyes, and his emotions are laid bare for anyone to read. Sometimes it is more than I can take, to look into those eyes for long periods of time, to see the love and compassion in them; love for me, for Eiri Yuki, out of all the people he could have chosen to love.
To some people it may seem disconcerting, to watch such a normally animated person sleep. However, to me it is not as strange as one may think; I have finally been able to open myself up enough to let him in, and I know now without a shadow of a doubt, even without his expressive eyes there to tell me, that I, Eiri Yuki, am loved unconditionally by Shindou Shuichi, and that that is an emotion I can finally return to him, more than words can say.