Everything I need
by Aimless
Chapter 6
I also slid my hand up to cup Ginji’s cheek as I looked into his golden eyes. The innocence that drew me to Gin in the first place was still there. Along with new depths of pain and sorrow. It was me that put some of that heartache there and I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I’d been too much of a coward to admit how I felt. Even now my guts froze and the words got stuck in my throat.
“Gin…I…I was worried about you. I needed to know that you were all right.” I just couldn’t say it. To admit my feelings was to leave myself open to the real possibility of getting hurt again.
Ginji sighed and looked away. His hand dropped back to his lap and he sagged dispiritedly. “Is that the only reason Ban-chan?”
“Yes…I mean no…I mean. Gin I’m no good at this. I’m no good for you but I can’t stay away. I can’t lose you to him.” I was making a royal fuck up of this whole conversation.
“You never even asked me what I wanted. Everyone sees simple little Ginji and they all try and protect me. I’m tired Ban.” Ginji’s soft voice barely above a whisper sounded so uncharacteristically mature that I wondered how much of that bumbling airhead was all an act.
He pulled away and turned his back to me. It was terrible to see Ginji like this. So unlike his usual happy go lucky personality. I realized what it was that I missed so much about my partner. Despite all that had happened to Ginji he still viewed the world with a kind of childlike innocence. He believed in the good to be found in people instead of my oh so jaded attitude. My blond partner actually taught me to embrace life again instead of the bitter existence I’d been living. I was drawn to Ginji like a moth to a bright yellow flame. But the man who sat in front of me now was only a mere shade of his former self. Perhaps it would be easier to show him how I felt.
I scooted closer and placed my arms around him. Ginji jumped in surprise at my gesture. He still had his back to me and I could tell he was uncomfortable. It wasn’t often that we touched like this. Oh we’d shared hugs in the past but they were almost always initiated by Ginji and I was the first one to pull away and feign outrage when what I really wanted to do was hold on tighter.
“What do you want Gin?” I rested my chin on his shoulder and I could feel the shudder that went through his body when my breath stirred the soft golden hairs on the nape of his neck.
Even though touching him was probably a bad idea I was having trouble getting my vision of Akabane’s treatment of Gin out of my head. I needed to feel him and know that this was real. Ginji sighed deeply and shifted. I thought he’d pull away again but after a moment he just sagged backward and curled up into my arms. It hurt like hell to hold him this way but I could deal with the physical pain. What I couldn’t deal with was the ache in my chest and my inability to voice my feelings. It still scared me to death to say the words. Last time I’d told anyone that I cared about them it turned into a disaster that I had yet to recover from.
“What do I want? I wanted for you to not have left at all! I needed you Ban! You just walked away as if it meant nothing. Was I wrong? Did you kiss me?” Ginji’s grip on my arm was painfully tight.
I sighed and shook my head. He remembered that day in the hotel room. “Yeah I kissed you.”
“Why Ban?” He turned his head and looked at me and I was trapped.
Such a simple question and the answer had me sweating with anxiety. I couldn’t lie to him. Ginji would never forgive me and I’d never forgive myself.
“Like I said Gin I care about you. More than I should. I wanted to kiss you and do a whole lot more. But you said you couldn’t. Hey I understand. Not everyone is into guys, especially fucked up ones like me. I meant what I said though. I won’t leave you again. We can be partners just like the old days.” My heart shriveled in my chest with my falsely cheerful declaration.
Ginji stiffened in my arms and crept off my lap. Here it comes…the rejection I’d been dreading. I was caught totally off guard when he shoved me backward hard. I toppled over onto my back and my injuries flared to life and made me pull in a hissing breath.
“Ban you idiot!” Ginji yelled and I was stunned.
“Tha fuck? What the hell did you shove me for! God dammit that hurt!” I yelled right back.
Ginji balled his fists and I wondered if he was going to sock me. I’d let him though because I figured I deserved it.
“You just don’t get it do you? I’ve needed you since the moment our eyes met in the limitless fortress. You saved me Ban. But that’s not why I want to be with you. You’re the strongest and most noble man I know. I fell in love with your wit and huge heart. Ban-chan you can act gruff and deny it to your dying breath but I know you. The care you show to others and the compassion are what attracted me. Plus you weren’t afraid of me and you were always there to protect me whether I wanted it or not.” Ginji sat staring at me waiting for a reply.
I needed a moment to absorb what he’d told me. “Wait…you love me? Then why did you say you couldn’t when I…”
“Baaaaaaaaaaan! I can’t believe how stupid you’re being! I meant that I couldn’t be with you like that when I was sick. I wanted to…I really did but I felt too awful. Then when I woke up you were gone! You ran away! Are you that afraid of being with me?” Oh God…there it was. The huge puppy dog eyes that swam with hurt tears. I had been an idiot.
“Ginji yeah I’m afraid. Everything in my life that I ever cared about was taken away from me. I didn’t want to get in too deep then fuck this all up too. But I’m not afraid of you, I never was. I was scared of my feelings. I thought about you every day when I was gone. I couldn’t get you out of my head. Then…Akabane…he. Never mind. I’m here now and I’m not leaving again.” I didn’t want to think about that sick fuck right now. My skin still crawled when I thought of what he did.
I just lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. Damn I was tired. Drained and emotionally wrung out. My head was throbbing and every wound felt hot and sore. I’d come to the end of my endurance and had no clue as to what to do next. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I felt Ginji edge closer. His caring heart was big enough for the both of us and I wearily opened my eyes when he wrapped his arms around me. My brave façade crumbled when Ginji carefully lifted me and placed my head in his lap as he leaned against the headboard. His cool stroking fingers on my forehead felt wonderfully soothing.
“Ban-chan just what did Akabane do to you?” His softly voiced question caused a knot of fear to ball up in my belly. Not often was I left totally helpless and it was a feeling that I would not soon get over.
“Gin can we just drop it?” I really didn’t want to talk about it.
My blond partner’s fingers stroked my face and down to my neck and toyed with the open collar of my robe. I hissed when they encountered the purpling bruise from Akabane’s teeth. Ginji pulled the cloth aside and I knew he was staring…shit! I’d forgotten how he’d marked me.
“He bit you Ban? What else did he do?” Ginji’s fingers traced the marks and somehow I didn’t want his fingers to touch the marks left by that pervert. As if he would contaminate himself by doing so.
“Gin really it’s ok just don’t touch it.” I tried to squirm away but I was held fast. Truthfully I was more comfortable than I had been in days but I couldn’t bear for him to examine too closely the evidence of my attack.
“I’m not stupid Ban…I know what used to go on in the limitless fortress. How the defenseless were preyed upon and what was done to them. What did he do to you?” Ginji went back to running his fingers through my hair. I could feel the static electricity crackling in my half dry spikes. I guess I’ll have to get used to having a rather standupish hairstyle again.
I knew Gin would pester me until he knew the whole story and what he was imagining was probably worse than what happened. Still I turned my face into the soft material of his pajamas and gripped his leg. I told Gin about nearly drinking myself into a stupor, stumbling out to the alleyway to puke then getting pinned to the wall. I hadn’t meant to but I also told Ginji about Akabane’s sick pleasure at my pain. I did edit the things that Akabane whispered in my ear as he ground against me. There was no way I ever wanted my partner to find out about that. It was hard to recount what happened and when I got to the part about getting bit I shuddered.
“Ban I’m so sorry. He’s fixated on me and used you. I’m so, so, sorry.” I felt raw and exposed and literally crawled up into Ginji’s arms.
I buried my face in the crook of his neck and inhaled the fresh smell of his skin. It helped to wash away the taint of Akabane’s touch. I thanked whatever deity that cared to listen that I had gotten back to my partner and Akabane had been denied his prize.
“I’ll get over it. Fuck I’m tired. Need to sleep.” My confessions and emotional turmoil had drained me totally.
“Sleep Ban-chan. I’ll take care of you.” Ginji whispered as he placed a kiss on the top of my head.
I suppose if I’d been coherent and not drugged to the gills I’d have been totally pissed at myself for being do damned clingy. I just didn’t have the strength to fight right now. Myself or anyone else. I’d have to trust Ginji’s promise and let him take care of me for once.
Tomorrow would take care of itself. I even managed a smile as Ginji murmured an “I love you Ban-chan.” As he got comfortable against the mound of pillows on the bed. Lying here with Ginji holding me was a novelty that I relished and took a huge amount of comfort in.
“Me too Gin, Me too.” Was as close as I could get to saying the actual words. With a heavy sigh my eyes closed and the world went away.