Everything I need
by Aimless
Chapter 4
I swam back to consciousness blearily aware of an argument happening somewhere over my head. I decided to lay here and quietly bleed to death. It was the least that I deserved after running off and leaving Gin with the insane beast master that had answered the door. Ok so maybe I wasn’t going to bleed to death just yet but my shoulder fucking hurt and I really wanted to take some of those lovely pain pills I’d lifted from my bedside table when I discharged myself from the hospital. I frowned in discomfort as the loud voices continued to bicker.
“Shiiiido! You hurt Ban! Look there’s blood on the wall! What if you killed him? He’s not moving! We need to get someone to help!” I recognized Ginji in full panic mode. He’d most likely be flailing his arms as he ranted.
“I didn’t touch the jerk! I just wanted to talk to him. Ok so I might have slammed him against the wall a little. But if the pansy ass snake lover can’t take it then he never should have come back!” Damn Shido…If I could get up I’d shove his head through the wall.
“Baaaaaaan! Wake up! Don’t be dead!” I nearly passed out again as I was roughly shaken by my hysterical partner. Ok enough was enough.
“Ginji…stop! I really don’t want to puke all over you. God I feel like shit.” All that shaking was making my head swim and my stomach do flip flops. I squinted as I looked into Gin’s face.
I let out an undignified squawk as I was suddenly hugged way too tightly and dragged forward.
“Baaaaaaaan you’re alive!” Then I was shaken some more. I replied the only way I could at the moment. I puked all over the blond intent on shaking me to pieces. To add insult to injury I was dropped to fall backwards against the wall.
“Well that was attractive. Couldn’t you have crawled outside to do that Midou? What a mess. Madoka is going to kill me.” The shaggy haired bane of my existence made a disgusted noise and prodded me with the toe of his boot.
Why couldn’t I have puked on him? Granted it was not very much since I had barely eaten for two days but I was fairly upset with my lack of self control. I decided the floor was a safe place to be as I lay propped against the wall of the hallway.
“Asshole.” I muttered and cracked my eyes open a slit. It figures I’d lost my sunglasses when I was slammed against the wall. I wished I could retaliate at this point but what I really wanted to do was crawl into a bed and not leave it until the room stopped spinning.
I guess I’m lucky that Shido did not throw me out into the front yard. As I watched Ginji and the beast master had a frantic but hushed conversation. There was a lot of negative head shaking on Shido’s part until Ginji turned the dejected puppy look on him in full force. I had yet to meet someone that could resist that.
“Fine! Get him upstairs and cleaned up. I’ll take care of this mess and I don’t want to see his ugly face got it?” Shido glared at me and despite the pounding in my head I returned the fierce look.
“Thank you Shido!” Then I watched Ginji hug the spiky haired freak enthusiastically. I felt a surge of jealousy that someone I barely tolerated was touching something that belonged to me.
After what I considerate too long to be appropriate Shido patted Gin on the back and smirked at me over the blond’s shoulder. That ass! He knew I was jealous! Then Shido disengaged himself and walked away down the hall. Ginji turned back to me and I held up one hand.
“Gin take it easy on me ok? I’m kinda not feeling too well.” From the look of us it seemed like we both now needed a bath. “Just get me upstairs I feel like hell.”
Ginji leaned over me and helped me to my feet. I cursed as the floor tried to reach up and slap me in the face. It’s easy to forget sometimes how strong Ginji is. He had a firm hold around my waist and kept me on my feet as my legs buckled. That little forceful meeting with the wall earlier rattled my already concussed head. It still amazed me that I was able to drive here at all. I tried to walk and Gin knew that I would not tolerate being carried…I’d have to be dead first.
“Ban-chan what happened to you? Was it a car accident? Did someone beat you up?” His amber hued eyes bore into mine and I looked away.
He really didn’t need to know that Akabane wanted him for a pet and had molested me to drive that point home. I concentrated instead on putting one foot in front of the other as we walked up the stairs. I have to admit these were pretty fancy digs for a blind violin player. Shido had certainly fallen in the cream this time.
“Later Gin I just want to get cleaned up and lie down.” I took the opportunity to relish this closeness. I’d really missed Ginji and even if he only wanted to go back to being friends and business partners at least I’d get to be near him. Shido would laugh his ass off if he knew how mushy I was being. The great untouchable Ban Midou in love with his goofy blond partner.
Ginji opened the door to a rather impressive bedroom and then to an attached bath. This room had a shower and large tub. The bathroom alone was as big as the last dive we’d shared before poverty once more forced us on the streets. I could see signs of Ginji’s presence all around the room. A manga left dog eared and open on the edge of the tub. A tube of toothpaste open and dribbling onto the marble counter top. His preferred brands of shampoo, soap and shaving cream lined up in the shower caddy. A wet towel hung crookedly on the bar and clothes lay on the floor next to the hamper. Seeing all this made me feel like I was home. It was comforting in a way that made me realize how much I’d missed him. Damn it I was getting all sentimental again…must be the concussion.
“Sit here and I’ll run a bath. Are you sure you’re all right?” Ginji lowered me onto a shirt draped wooden chair and I watched as he went to the tub and turned on the taps. He adjusted the temperature and turned back to me.
“Yeah Ginji I’ll be all right I just need some sleep.” I slumped in the chair and watched a worried frown flit across his features.
I was hanging on to consciousness with both hands. I was exhausted, hurting and ashamed of myself. I had trouble looking into Ginji’s guiless face without feeling totally disgusted by the way I’d treated him. I deserved his ire…not the concerned pampering I was getting. It amazed me that he was not pissed off that I’d left him alone in that hotel room. Granted he had not been by himself for long. I’d made sure of that. I thought Ginji could not take care of himself. It seems that the person who had trouble staying safe had been me. But better I get the abuse from that sick fuck Akabane than my partner. I looked up when Ginji’s soft voice got my attention. Damn it had totally zoned out. I was useless to him like this.
“Ban your bath is ready do you need me to help you in?” Yup my guilty conscious was screaming at me that I did not deserve his kindness.
“I can do it. I’ll soak a bit then be right out ok?” wearily I toed off my shoes and levered myself to a standing position. I hissed as that action pulled at the sore muscles in my shoulders. I really did not want him to see the damage done to me.
“Ban I want to help. You’re sick and exhausted. I want to take care of you the way you took care of me when I was sick.” He reached out to me and a wave of shame engulfed me. Yeah I took care of Ginji real well didn’t I? I fucking turned coward and abandoned him.
I staggered backward and nearly fell over the chair. Only a frantic grab kept me on my feet. I needed to be alone to get my head together. To think of a way to apologize for the way I treated him. I would not break down in front of him. I had to salvage the last shreds of my dignity or I’d turn into a clinging, whining mess.
“Just go. I’ll be out in a little while. I need to be alone.” Despite how I wanted to sound my plea came out as a pathetic whine.
“But Ban just let me help. I don’t want to leave.” He tried to touch me again and I lost it. It was too much for my bruised psyche to handle.
Always in the past I had retreated from feeling anything too strongly. From appearing vulnerable and perceived as weak. What I felt for Ginji was scaring the crap out of me. Even though I wanted desperately to tell him how I felt and cling tightly to Ginji old habits died hard. The instinct to retreat and lick my own wounds took over and I slapped his outstretched hand away.
“I said get out! Damn it Gin just leave me alone for a while. Quit being a pest!” I knew I’d made a huge mistake when his face crumpled and his eyes filled with sorrow.
“I… I’m sorry Ban. I’ll stop bothering you. It’s no wonder you left me. I’m always getting on your nerves.” His voice was laced with self loathing and unshed tears.
I just stood there as he turned away and left the bathroom. God I am an utter shit. I can’t believe I pushed him away. I considered flinging myself from the window but knowing my luck I wouldn’t manage to break my neck when I hit the driveway. Angrily I tore off the rest of my clothing and considered the searing pain as stitches pulled to be barely sufficient penance for treating Ginji so shabbily. I peeled the gauze and tape from my wounds and dropped the mess into the trash can. They looked red and enflamed and I cringed at the thought of them becoming infected. I could dump some antiseptic on them after I got out of the tub.
I cursed as the hot water stung like a son of a bitch as I lowered myself into the marble basin. After a tense few moments my muscles started to unknot and I lay back against the sloped edge and sighed. I closed my eyes and tried to think of a way to repair the relationship between Ginji and I that I had tried so hard to fuck up. It had been one bitch of a day and after carefully washing myself with a bar of spicy scented soap I closed my eyes and drifted away.